Lodgedodger I need to talk

[sumas]

Thank you Detroit, I am just having a bad day I guess.

I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age. I think the sweetest thing I ever heard my mother say was when her younger sister was teasing her about being older. My Mom said that's correct, I am older, but I knew our mother longer.

I never knew any of my grandparents, they all died quite young. Seems I favor my mother's father in looks but my Dad's father in personality.

Didn't even take Mom for treatment today. I asked my husband to do this. Don't know the prognosis until Monday. Maybe it is working, maybe not.

My husband Spent the night with his mom, she had a dental appointment. Guess what?? The dentist got ill and all appointments were canceled. That is kind of how our life is going at the moment.

[detroitbred]

Thanks Sumas....good that you had your husband take her...you need to take a break whenever you can. And never underestimate the value of a good cry. There is no shame or weakness in that. I actually do it fairly often! It is something of a pressure relief valve for me, it's not good to hold everything inside. As heartbroken as I was at losing my mom, I lost my dad to heartfailure a few years ago, and that was so much worse. I only had mom for 16 years, but had him much longer and it hit me really hard. I miss him everyday. Sometimes my life feels like a soap opera! A few years after my mom passed away, my brother died suddenly of a rare pneumonia. He was 18. See....soap opera! Sometimes I wonder how I got through but here I am. You will get through too, take one day at a time.

[sumas]

Too much loss for someone so young. We have been lucky to have been spared such tradegy

My husband says our life currently is like a hamster treadmill at the moment. A lot of running and getting no where. My husband took Mom again today. I am not feeling at all well. Most likely depression. Mister wants us to come for a visit but I just am not up to it. Hopefully my husband will go.

I have never been a cry baby but these days I am crying over the silliest things. Hardly watching TV even, everything makes me cry. For Petes sake I watched a Quincey episode on retro Tv and cried through it

I will pull myself together though. Next week I will make my sister take Mom to treatments. She is laid off and has time too. She lives only a block and a half away and we never see her.This will give me a chance to spend some quality time with ailing friends as well as time for us to have fun with friends that are well.

My other sister and my brother come constantly. They are very busy professionals and they make time. I have a new deep respect for both of them.

It's past 1:30 pm and I am still in my bathrobe. I normally am up and ready to go by no later than 6 am. This thread helps a lot because I can get my thoughts organized. Thanks to all.

[detroitbred]

Sumas I am gald you taking a bit of time for yourself, and hope you feel better soon. I cry at everything too....there are even commercials that I can't watch [[ like the Human Society that shows all the sad looking animals.) Can't stand to see animals in pain, it seems even more so than people! It does sound like you are depressed, I have been there too. And who could blame you for that? Try and enjoy some time with your family, do something you like to do and haven't done in a while. I think this dismal time of year is particulary hard on our metal health. Last Saturday when it was not too bad outside, in my bare feet, I took a blanket with me and sat in the sunshine on my deck. It felt so good. Try it!

[sumas]

Detroit, I so know what you mean, that Humane Society Commercial drives me insane. How can people be so cruel to animals? I have an ugly, fat puggle that was a rescue dog and we absolutely adore him.

I am a sun sign and winter always gets me down. By April I cheer up up considerably. I am just an outdoor person. All the factors right now are just converging. Things will get better. I didn't work this winter so I have too much time on my hands to dwell on problems.

[detroitbred]

Sumas, I hear we are getting more snow tonight and I am so sick of it.This winter seem to be more depressing for me for some reason. I love all animals, I would have one of each if I could. We have 4 cats at the moment, all strays who seem to find me like a magnet. And my poor daughter who lives at home has inherited my illness.I keep telling my freinds that I will be one of those carzy cat people you read about on the news one day, with 150 cats! I think my husband would stop me though. You sound a little better this afternoon and I hope you are feeling better now.

[sumas]

Detroit, I know what you mean this has been a hard winter. Really wish I could have a cat or two but Mom has a respiratory problem now. She loves cats too. Now she just collects cat statues etc.

I think I am seeing an improvement in Mom. Today she decided to dust and vaccum. I have been doing all that but good to see she wants to get busy again.

PAG has maybe only a few days left. The relatives are circling like vultures. He told me privately today that he is giving up the battle for his life. The relatives have moved into his house like mad. Now he has three nephews, a niece with a boyfriend and a three year old who have moved in. Just what a terminally ill man needs!

PAG is gay, so no kids, no wife. Years ago he deeded all his assets to me. That is how close we have been. He can change his will and it wouldn't bother me. How in the hell can a person evict that many people?

So much more to this story but too much to tell.

MJ called crying today. I kind of needed a few days for me. I refuse to feel guilty!

I feel strong again. Today I will sit with PAG for a bit and visit MJ.

[sumas]

Thought I might get timed out so here is my second post for the day.

When one takes a person for treatments while in the waiting room it becomes an informal support session. Plan on attending church today and need to put in prayer requests for PAG, MJ, Barb, Art, Sonja and her Mom.

[sumas]

Dear Gaz,

Like you have noted, so many people need us now, but I am back in the saddle again. Have regained balance. We have added two more, to the list of people we need to care for. I don’t even want to mention the church ladies we ferry everywhere.

I believe that there is a cosmic reason that that we are available to help. But it does take its toll.

Here is my dilemma, PAG, who I call mister, is terminally ill.

Mister ran a boarding house for years. The house is old and very beautiful, he deeded it to us several years ago since we are very close and he has no progeny.

In the past few months, every relative in the book has been moving in on him. Two months ago he had one nephew and one tenant. We had arranged to have him hospitalized when he became very ill. We arranged hospice when his doctor said, no hope.

Since then, it is amazing how many relatives have now moved in. Some from other states.

My count today is now 4 nephews, a niece, her boyfriend and their three year old child. The one nephew really does do for mister. He keeps the house clean, the rest are just flotsam. Legally I can do nothing currently. They are bilking him out of his money and bills are not getting paid.

The thing that drove me nuts was they have taken over his bedroom too. Mister is in a hospital bed in his living room attached to all sorts of medical stuff.

Mister called today and wanted spareribs. Truth, I had a dollar in my pocket and did not plan to visit today. He eats almost nothing these days but when he fancies something I make sure he gets it.

Told him I would figure out something because I am resourceful. Mister got his ribs.

Not including Mister, 3 of the adults currently in the household get food stamps. The fridge was dead empty. I am in a dead rage.

Way more to the food story, but do not want to get too lengthy.

Good Lord, I could write a soap opera on what even happened just today.

Then, while we were there, his sister called. This was 4 in the afternoon looking for one of the nephews. I had to search the house, he was sleeping in Misters bedroom. Turns out she wants him to look for mister’s private documents. Made me even more angry. The relatives that haven’t been around are now crawling out of the woodwork.

It’s creepy to walk into a house where everyone stares angrily are you.

The advice I am looking for, is do I fight to keep the house, that is legally mine or just turn it over to his scum family that will no doubt fight me in court upon his death.

This house was once an artist community and he trusts us to resurrect it to what it once was.

All I can really say is that we love this man and do not want to stress him. Really don’t know what to do!

[gazhekwe]

If your name is on the deed, I don't think the relatives can can do anything about that, it will be your house. If you have the deed, that will be easy to file it. If he has it, and it has not been filed, there could be an issue about it, though. Once filed wity your name on it,after Mister walks on, you can evict them or charge them rent. I wouldn't worry about that right now if I were you, since you have no idea what will happen. If his relatives are finally beginning to take responsibility for whatever reason, I don't think you need to be angry about it, as it is a family business. Keep the peace with Mister and let things flow by you. My thoughts are with you.

[detroitbred]

Sumas, I understand your anger, but don't let it consume you. I have witnessed many times, that weddings and funerals bring out the absolute worst in people. When someone is about to die, relatives who have been uninvolved for years, start to circle over head like vultures. Looks like all you can do at this point is wait and see what happens, once your friend is gone. As Gaz said, if your name is on the deed and properly filed, you should be ok. I guess they can try to fight it, not sure what would happen then.

[sumas]

Everything is legally filed, has been for years. Frankly I am just scared of these relatives. I do have an attorney and can evict them. Other relatives are just vultures, but the ones that moved in are dealers and users. They scare me. His legit tenant said his relatives have turned the place into a flop house.

The house is so cool and could easily be a great home again for people with intelligence. Just need the stamina to fight bullshit.

Mister is doing well at the moment. Swear to God, on Saturday I would have given him twenty four hours to live, but he has rallied. We are now on our way to visit.

Damn it, I think I am up to the fight. I owe it to mister to preserve this wonderful home and make it availible to the artistic community. Might donate it to some org.

[detroitbred]

Sumas, you know you are stronger and smarter than those people...don't give up or give in. I know you can't stop going there so just be careful when you go ....don't go alone and keep a cell phone handy. If things don't feel right, follow your guts and don't go in,or stay. Your instincts are very likely correct, so don't put yourself in a dangerous situation.

[sumas]

The other day I went to visit Mister. He was convinced I had moved his chocolate cake. I thought him I hadn't seen it. He went into a rage. I disregard this since I know he is drugged for his pain. The niece told him they had eaten it all. So at least he was mad at them and not me. He agreed to a piece of pie and wanted a glass of milk. No milk in the house. The next day I made him a cake and took milk.

Now there is yet another nephew coming around. He is homeless and drug addicted. New thrill.

The new complication is relatives say the hospice people are not coming. Hospice says they are. I thought it might be an access problem. Relatives want me to fire them. I think they just don't want outsiders seeing their activities. I arranged with hospice to contact me prior to each visit.

As to the bills, I am relieved that Mister asked my husband to help him sort out his bills. Which is actually very funny, my husband hasn't paid a bill in years. So I will have to sort through everything in the dining room and put it in order. But will let my husband sit with Mister and write checks. Pray God they have not bled his account.

[sumas]

Detroit, thanks for your cautionary note. I almost always go with my husband but have to say I am not afraid of any of them, even the addict. It's more of a creepy feeling because there are so many relatives there, they make me feel like an outsider. Not one of them work so I resent them mooching.

We have taken care of him for so long that I don't appreciate that sense of strangeness in my own house. Mister has been disabled and low income for years. We have written grants for him and have gotten things like a new roof, new porch steps, cement work etc. Every year I file tax abatement papers for him so he doesn't pay property tax.

Like I said though, the one nephew that came recently is really doing a lot.

[Jimaz]

sumas, I appreciate you chronicling all of this. I expect to benefit from this education as I approach a situation similar to yours. You're helping more than you know.

Thank you.

[sumas]

Thanks Jimaz, Don't know what you are facing. Aging parents, dementia or Hospice. I am guessing Hospice. Overall, I've been very pleased with Hospice of Michigan although his regular nurse could have been better. She should have caught the problem we had today earlier.

They are available 24/7. Today being Saturday, we had an emergency. Mister's catheter was leaking. They promised a nurse by 8 pm to assess the situation. He spent a full two hours, fixed the problem and spent a great deal of time in education, making tasks family performs a great deal easier. I am sending a thank you note to him enclosed with a letter of praise to his director.

Currently working to arrange to have a Caputian Brother come to the house for a prayer session with a small group of family and friends. Mister embraced this thought.

I did learn something interesting today. Other friends who have lost loved ones told me this. In short, if a person dies at home the Coroners office must be notified but if they are in hospice care this step is not necessary. I am learning as I go.

[Jimaz]

... In short, if a person dies at home the Coroners office must be notified but if they are in hospice care this step is not necessary.

While reading about Do-Not-Resuscitate Declarations, I found this:

What else can be done to prevent unwanted resuscitation?
Ask your relatives in advance not to call 9-1-1 or the police if your breathing should stop. If you are under the care of a registered nurse, she or he has the authority to pronounce death.

[sumas]

I believe it is called a living will. Although, I am a patient advocate also known as medical power of attorney and the documents state the patients desires in this regard. The later form is free from St John's Hospital at Moross, don't know about other hospitals.

[Jimaz]

I believe it is called a living will. Although, I am a patient advocate also known as medical power of attorney and the documents state the patients desires in this regard. The later form is free from St John's Hospital at Moross, don't know about other hospitals.

Thanks, I have the forms. I've been studying four "Advance Directives":

• Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care
• Living Will
• Do-Not-Resuscitate Declaration
• Declaration of Anatomical Gift

Is it necessary to have a DNR declaration if I have a durable power of attorney or living will?
Perhaps. A durable power of attorney for health care and a living will only take effect when you are unable to participate in treatment decisions. If you are competent until the moment your heart and breathing stop, these documents will never take effect.

[sumas]

We have two threads going on this issue. This one is the emotional aspect, the other the legal aspect. Today, we arranged to have a relative take Mom for radiation to free us up.

A mutual close friend worked with us to get a brother from the Caputian Monastery [[the healing monks) to come to the house today for a prayer session.

This is quite a coup since techniquely Mister is not Catholic. It is pretty rare these days for Religious Folk to make house calls. Our friend who is very active in the church must be more more important than I thought to pull this off. I am grateful.

Some people have laughed, a healing ceremony for a terminally ill man? I don't see it that way. There are various levels of healing. They would be body, mind and soul.

[Jimaz]

I posted this here first, then deleted it because it deals with legal aspects, then moved it back here after finding the legal thread was more about possession of a house than patient advocacy.

The doctor declined to sign the DNR order because there were some temporary situations where the patient would want resuscitation. Okay, I trust his experience. I myself would want a Heimlich maneuver if I were choking on food but I wouldn't want death prolonged indefinitely by a respirator. So I can understand his point.

I also learned that a patient advocate can sign the DNR order on behalf of a patient incapable of doing so. So it's not as if the option is permanently forfeited by the patient becoming incapacitated.

Best advice I've ever received from an attorney: Always keep your options open until it's in your [[or in this case the patient's) best interest to commit.

[sumas]

As a medical advocate I listened to the doctor when he said there is no more that we can do. Frankly Hospice sounded creepy but so many people on this board said it is the only way to go. I was the one that insisted on home hospice. More difficult maybe but I think I made the right choice.

Mister requested DNR. The nice thing is that being at home and in hospice they do not resusitate. They take charge of that aspect.

My Dad suffered a stroke after by pass surgery. The hospital resusitated him despite his living will and registered DNR request at the hospital. He lived 2 1/2 more months as an agitated vegetable.

If your dear one is hospitalized, make very sure they know the patients wishes. No one should have to go through what we did, not the patient not the relatives.

[sumas]

The home visit from Father Larry, Caputian Monk, St Bonadventure was a hugh success. They do not normally make home visits so this was truely a special experience. Afterwards, Mister said he had not felt so good in a long time. It was truely a spiritual healing.

I came away feeling relaxed, calm and empowered again. I highly recommend attending the healing ceremony at the monastary on Wednesday. Beautiful ceremony! Have taken friends there in the past. I am not Catholic but the monks transcend all faiths.

With Easter coming up soon. I am going to try to arrange a private concert of Easter music. We moved our piano from here to there and put it in the front "public" parlor. Got it tuned too. This is an old house and rooms were designated different then. The pianist is in her 80's, she used to be the organist at a large historical church. Her son, our age, will hopefully sing, he has a beautiful voice. Hope I can make this happen.

Plan on making Mister an Easterbasket too. Eggs represent new life. Will probably include the toddler living there in dying real eggs. She is a sweet child but still believe they had no right to bring a child into the home of a terminally ill man.

Really want what time left we have together to be super special.

[LodgeDodger]

I don't understand how Hospice sounded 'creepy'. Death is a natural part of the process of living.