Are you the first born in your family?

**gazhekwe** · September-01-09, 08:22 AM

I bet you can tell I am a first born, always trying to find an answer. Big hugs for your sister and stay strong. Has she tried this:

http://operationable.org/

Sometimes that "overqualified" bit will stop low end employers from hiring a professional. Architecture is bad right now, as no one is building. A master architect in our family has turned to teaching for the time being as there is no work for her. Long gaps in service put the professional companies off, so it seems like a Catch 22. Operation Able has been around a long time, and has dealt with these situations. It is worth a try. Best of luck and don't give up!

**exdetroiter** · September-03-09, 12:59 PM

You should advise your parents to visit an estate planner NOW. If the house is truly the only asset, they could do a Quitclaim deed leaving the property in their name, but adding whatever survivors as tenants in common with rights to survivorship, ie upon their death[[s) the property would automatically transfer to the beneficiares as specified. There's nothing you can do right now but advise your parents to get their paperwork in order, as they see fit. You never know they may give everything to her because they know she's the one in most need.

**Sstashmoo** · September-03-09, 01:22 PM

Erie, sad story.. Here is wishing things turn around for her.

ccbatson · September-03-09, 03:32 PM

Something is not fitting in this story...4 years? Even now, I see postings for wait staff, but 2 years ago? When unemployment was at 5%?

**Mama Jackson** · September-03-09, 04:05 PM

cc-back off. Times were hard four years ago. Remember, Michigan had it's own recession long before the rest of the nation caught up to us.

**gazhekwe** · September-03-09, 04:10 PM

Restaurants don't hire 50 year old professionals as wait staff when they have experienced applicants. Waiting tables is not that easy. Have you tried it, CC?

LodgeDodger · September-03-09, 06:54 PM

Originally Posted by eriedearie

I am. And sometimes I feel like I'm the problem solver. Things that mom and dad just cannot cope with - get dumped on me. Things my siblings cannot or won't deal with - get dumped on me. Somebody screws up, I have to clean up the mess.

Today's problems - Looks like my sister's home will be foreclosed on unless she pays the back mortgage payments. Mom and dad can afford to pay the back mortgage payments, and will have to pay her mortgage until she can find a job and do it herself. She will eventually have to pay them back [[if she finds a job).

Does anyone here have any suggestions on how I go about seeing to it that us other siblings have some kind of protection when it comes to mom and dad's estate? They don't have much - just your typical hard-working father and stay-at-home mom background.

I guess what I'm looking for is for someone to tell me if we need an attorney to draw up papers stating that whatever money mom and dad have already given my sister would be deducted from the amount of her inheritance upon our parent's death. Now I would accept a verbal agreement from my sister, but our other sister I know she will not. My brother is overseas and out of the picture right now. This is up to me to do the right thing by all concerned.

Any advice?

In my family, I was the last born. However, I was always the one who "kept things together". I understand completely what it is you are going through. Every family seems to have a sibling who has a continuing need for financial assistance.

I don't want to sound harsh, but your parents have the right to give their money to whomever they wish. It's not really an estate [[IMHO) until they have passed. Have they mentioned making some sort of provision in the will regarding this assistance to your sibling? Talk with your parents and find out what it is they have in mind. If this is to be a "gift" there's nothing you can do.

I know you're concerned about their finances, but unless they mention changing the will, you have no say. If they do indicate they would like to make a change to the will, make an appointment with an attorney as quickly as possible.

**Detroit_uke** · September-03-09, 07:04 PM

Lodge - Hooray!!!! I was thinking the same thing. I'm not the firstborn. I'm the solver in the middle. Just because you have power of attorney - it doesn't mean squat till your parents are gone or mentally incapacitated. It is their money. It is not your money. They can do with it what they want. They can even change the Power of Attorney. They can change the will whenever they want. Let them give your sister the money if they want to - it's better to give with a warm hand. You asked people on the Internet what to do - BUT did you ask your parents what they wanted to do??? Your parents are alive - your sister should have gone to them.

**Detroitej72** · September-03-09, 07:15 PM

Originally Posted by ccbatson

Something is not fitting in this story...4 years? Even now, I see postings for wait staff, but 2 years ago? When unemployment was at 5%?

The sister is 53. I have an uncle who lost his job 4 years ago, and he was 54 at the time. Its called age discrimination, and it happens all the time.

Erie, good luck in your situation.

ccbatson · September-03-09, 11:13 PM

For lower level jobs? Why would the employer care if a person is 53 so long as they are productive, likely aren't offered benefits, and are being paid less than they bring into the business in revenue?

**gazhekwe** · September-04-09, 08:41 AM

cc, you need a reality check. In the real world, when there are more applicants ranging from 15 -70 than there are jobs, most employers would rather have a green newbie than a seasoned worker used to making two to five times more than they are willing to pay. They figure the older worker will threaten the younger management as they are much more experienced in the work world. Also, they will be qualified for a much higher paying job and will run to it if they find it. A 50 year old professional used to working in an office is a poor candidate for a restaurant job, which is hard physical work. Waiting tables involves significant people skills, memory, and the appearance of competence at this type of work. You can't look confused when the equipment malfunctions, the cooks mess up, or there end up to be more customers in your section than you can easily handle.

**jiminnm** · September-04-09, 07:06 PM

Erie, if it is truly your parents' desire that the monies they have given to your siblings be in lieu of monies from the estate, then they MUST change the will to specifically reflect that desire. The will must state that desire very explicitly or your siblings will be able to contest the will. I would also recommend that someone other than the siblings who have be receiving money be named their executor or administrator [[whatever term is currently being used).

Look at the web site for your county bar association and their listings for a referral.

**eriedearie** · September-04-09, 09:16 PM

It is exactly my parent's wishes to help my sister. I have asked them numerous times and they are both in agreement. Their expenses for health care are taken care of. So any money they have is over and above what it will cost for their health care. That is no problem. Their end of life expenses are already paid for and all arrangements have been seen to. They truly want to help their daughter. As my mother put it, "If it were any one of our kids we would be there for them."

I have contacted an attorney on their behalf, and once they receive some particular documents in the mail, we will make an appointment. I will then drive them to their attorney's office where they will make their wishes known to their attorney. My sister is not the executrix of their will.

We know that my parent's money is theirs to do with what they will. It does not belong to us. We have urged them time and time again to spend their money the way they see fit. If they wanted to go through all of it like shit through a goose, then so be it. But they have always saved for a rainy day and that rainy day has now come. I had a heart-to-heart talk with my dad [[a man of very few words), and he told me that both he and my mom wanted to do this - there is no pressure from my sister or me or anyone.

I have found most of the comments I received on this thread very helpful. Some have been very instrumental in unclouding my thinking. Thanks to all of you for helping me out.

**Sstashmoo** · September-04-09, 10:12 PM

Quote: "They truly want to help their daughter."

Of course.

Quote: "As my mother put it, "If it were any one of our kids we would be there for them."

See?

And would you want your sister interfering?

ccbatson · September-05-09, 12:08 AM

I agree, it is the right of the person that owns the money [[the parents) to decide what to do with it...of course, after they pay Obama's death taxes that will go back on line in 2011.

However, this does not mean that giving the money to a child who otherwise should and could fend for themselves is the right thing to do from the beneficiary's perspective, or from the benefactor's.

**jams** · September-05-09, 12:13 AM

Originally Posted by ccbatson

I agree, it is the right of the person that owns the money [[the parents) to decide what to do with it...of course, after they pay Obama's death taxes that will go back on line in 2011.

However, this does not mean that giving the money to a child who otherwise should and could fend for themselves is the right thing to do from the beneficiary's perspective, or from the benefactor's.

...or any of your business.

ccbatson · September-05-09, 12:14 AM

Offered voluntarily on a discussion board for comment...that makes it our business.

**Sstashmoo** · September-06-09, 12:24 AM

Yes, opinions were queried.

Retroit · September-06-09, 11:00 AM

Wow, you people are clueless! [[sorry, middle child!

) East Detroit came close, though. Attorney?! What for? eriedearie, what is needed is a Promissory Note. Here is a website that will practically write one up for you: http://www.lawdepot.com/contracts/pr...4wodV04rJw&a=t

Another option, since it sounds like you are as [[or more) sympathetic toward your sister than your parents, is for you to lend her the money instead. This assumes you could afford to. It would also be the way to go if one of the other siblings was opposed to the loan.

ccbatson · September-06-09, 01:16 PM

Still unclear is why a 53 year old can't find a low level job [[as in waiting tables, house cleaning, etc).

**gazhekwe** · September-06-09, 01:26 PM

CC, did you read my post #36 up there? I explained it. Would you [[or your wife) hire a 53 year old architect who has been out of work for a while as a nanny for your kids? A cleaner for your house? When you had choice of several young ladies working their way through college AND several slightly older women whose main job is housework?

Here is my explanation again so you don't have to look for it:

In the real world, when there are more applicants ranging from 15 -70 than there are jobs, most employers would rather have a green newbie than a seasoned worker used to making two to five times more than they are willing to pay. They figure the older worker will threaten the younger management as they are much more experienced in the work world. Also, they will be qualified for a much higher paying job and will run to it if they find it. A 50 year old professional used to working in an office is a poor candidate for a restaurant job, which is hard physical work. Waiting tables involves significant people skills, memory, and the appearance of competence at this type of work. You can't look confused when the equipment malfunctions, the cooks mess up, or there end up to be more customers in your section than you can easily handle.

ccbatson · September-06-09, 01:28 PM

To clean our house? Absolutely, why not? Nanny? Don't, and haven't used them...we do that ourselves [[as I think is best).

**gazhekwe** · September-06-09, 01:31 PM

Most people would pick one of the other choices.

ccbatson · September-06-09, 01:32 PM

Excuses will not bring in a paycheck. Hard work and an exemplary work ethic will.

**Sstashmoo** · September-06-09, 01:37 PM

Bats, couldn't agree more. Generally when folks say they can't find a job. It really means "a job they want". I'm employed but if I wound up unemployed, I'd find something to do.