DDA Excited About New Tiaras
Kickbacks from Lafayette Building and 1145 Griswold Demolitions to Pay for New Council Look

Detroit, August 2009 --- Detroit's Downtown Development Authority is pleased after receiving a kickback from the demolition of two downtown eyesores. The Lafayette Building and 1145 Griswold, which the DDA has called "outdated" and "seriously ugly", were demolished this month to make way for new "green" parking lots, the defining features of which include tall grasses growing out of the cracked concrete. Already, the parking lots have attracted a number of local vagrants and homeless. "This is wonderful," one man said, on condition of anonymity since he was living in the lot illegally. "Before, the building that was here was totally sealed off. Where were we supposed to stay? Now we have some nice grasses to stay in."

The DDA is particularly excited about the new tiaras it will be purchasing for City Council with a portion of the kickback funds. The tiaras will, in their words, "Spruce up downtown" by "projecting an image of beauty, royalty, and superiority." The funding for the tiaras and the demolitions will come entirely from the taxpayers of the City of Detroit. "The citizens of Detroit will be comforted knowing that their Council is projecting a good image to the public & the world with their new tiaras. In addition, we will be creating ten temporary jobs with the demolition, and the money will help fund the purchase of DDA staff's new cars and homes."

Next on the DDA's list are the historic Metropolitan and Wurlitzer Buildings. "These have needed to come down for years," the DDA has said through a press release. "The demolition of these outdated and ugly structures would ensure that DDA staff could dine at Coach Insignia on a daily basis, and the parking lots that will go in their place will be on the cutting edge of automotive storage through the use of painted lines which indicate areas for parking, areas for vagrants, and areas for trash dumping."