Anyone have a funny joke?

[gazhekwe]

Charlie Hill:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3ism...layer_embedded

[rjk]

^Wow, that brings back memories. I especially remember the hihowareyou bit.
I see that he's been very active, but I really haven't seen him since the 70's.

[gazhekwe]

I love Charlie Hill. He is still hot, though now he is elder hot, not hot hot. Here is a more recent look at him on David Letterman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVX7X8_2zrw&NR=1

[Bigb23]

We all have the abilities to laugh at ourselves, Irish, Polish, Native, or all of the above.

[Philbo]

Four reasons why it sucks to be a dick.

1. You are born with a hole in your head.
2. You hang around with a couple of nuts.
3. Your closest neighbor is a asshole.
4. You throw up everytime you get excited

[Bigb23]

Four reasons why it sucks to be a dick.

I didn't even have to read past that to laugh out loud.

[Django]

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen use?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

[Downtown Dave]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. [[I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[Gistok]

Just saw this one on Youtube.... lol...
________________________________

3 guys walk into a bar

The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"

The third guy "I have got the smallest dick in the world"

The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records

The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"

The third guy comes back angry " Who the FUCK is JUSTIN BIEBER?

[Wingnatic]

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The man replied, 'Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was
now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you
tell me the dog was Catholic?'
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'


Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'


Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries
or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!'


Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife
replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that
I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the
races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife
apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is
watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger
frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the
man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

[Bigb23]

^^^^^^^

Attachment 11168

[Herman Krieger]

At Wayne State University, they have a new course: Psychoceramics.
---
---
It's for crack pots.

[Divine Mitchell]

lol on the fax joke! hahaha!!

TWO PROSTITUTES TALKING

Prostitute 1: Times are getting hard, I'm swallowing penis for a penny.
Prostitute 2: Times are getting hard, I'm doing blowjobs for free just to have something fill my stomach!

hehehe...

[old guy]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Ravine]

lol on the fax joke! hahaha!!

TWO PROSTITUTES TALKING

Prostitute 1: Times are getting hard, I'm swallowing penis for a penny.
Prostitute 2: Times are getting hard, I'm doing blowjobs for free just to have something fill my stomach!

hehehe...

Yeah yeah, thanks for that.
Now that you've shared that one here, maybe you can re-affix it to the 5th-grade boys' lavatory stall-wall where you found it.

[Wingnatic]

Right next to the scribble that proclaims '' this is where Napolean pulled his Bonaparte'' lol