Advice Wanted: Elderly Parent Moving In

[sumas]

As mentioned, we live with Mom. At 89, she is still in good shape. I have noticed in the last few weeks though that she is napping more and seems confused more often. Had a quick visit with a friend who is much younger. As we caught up on details of our lives she asked if we had any friends or family who wern't ill! We do seem to do care for many people. Her comment reminded me that we do need to have a real life for ourselves. Hospital visits, home care for two households and friends with needs are indeed taking a toll.

A silly story. My mother got a return call early morning. It was from my sister who had gone to her Dr. appointment with her a few days before. My mother was adament she was missing a perscription. My sister was clueless. Later that morning, Mom called the pharmacy. I listened at that point to the discussion and got more info on this problem. I looked on the fridge where Mom magnets everything and found the prescription. She had never turned it in. I saw her writting on it, in notation... it was for memory!

Laugh, love... but remember to keep your own life in order. We plan to start doing that in two weeks after all commitments made to ill family and friends have been fullfilled. Hah!

[Blueidone]

There are some hospitals that have hospice care floors. My mother was in Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak when she entered hospice care there. She was under their care for three weeks before God took her home. I agree that they are the best of the best when it comes to caregiving. Not only did they handle all the medical end, they also helped with conflicts within the family and everything else. If I ever get to the point where I can be a benefactor to a group, Hospice of Michigan would be it. God Bless those people for all the work that they do!

[gazhekwe]

I just got a message from Sunrise Assisted Living, of course they are hoping you will come to them when you need help. They are giving a Workshop called Caregiver Boot Camp. They say they will provide hands on training and real life resources, and a free copy of "Caring for your Aging Parent."

The Fountains at Franklin
28301 Franklin Road
Southfield, MI 48034
Phone: 248-353-2810

Sunrise of Troy
6870 Crooks Road
Troy, MI 48098
United States
Phone: 248-293-1200

Sunrise on Vernier
1850 Vernier Road
Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236
Phone: 313-642-2000

Sunrise of GPW
21260 Mack Avenue
Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236
United States
Phone: 313-343-0600

I am not endorsing Sunrise and have nothing to do with the organization, I am just passing along some resource info that may be helpful.

[LodgeDodger]

Mother passed on today.

Everyone, thank you for your advice.

[reddog289]

My words cannot express what you are going through Lodger, May you and your Mother have peace.

[Pam]

Mother passed on today.

Everyone, thank you for your advice.

Condolences to you and your family LD.

[eriedearie]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family have my sincere sympathy.

[Lferg]

My thoughts and prayers are with you LD.

[Detroit_uke]

Sympathy and prayers....can we do anything?

[LodgeDodger]

Everyone, thank you.

Even though I'm sad, I do feel at peace with everything. My work place was very good to me by allowing me the time off to take care of Mother. She was never uncomfortable or in pain. She was clean, safe, well-cared for and loved. I never had to get her a hospital bed. She never needed to be on a catheter, either. Betterhalf was an absolute saint. He helped me even during the more challenging times. My God, I'm so lucky to be married to him.

I cannot thank say enough good things about the people from hospice. They were so good to Mother [[and me).

Many thanks to all.

[Blueidone]

I am so sorry for your loss as well, LodgeDodger. Losing your mother is very difficult. I still miss mine every day and she passed away 11 years ago. But I also know that she is at peace and in a much better place. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

[gazhekwe]

Best wishes for you in this time of passage. I am glad your mother was able to walk on with love surrounding her.

[Bobl]

LD:

I feel so sad for you, but must also congratulate you on a job well done.

[Gertrude]

LodgeDodger, I am so sorry to hear your mother passed away but it sounds like a peaceful passing for all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[LodgeDodger]

Mother's passing was as peaceful as it could be--given the circumstances. The funeral went smoothly. I have no regrets and am very thankful to have had the opportunity to take the time off to be with her.

A heart-felt thank you to everyone for their kind comments.

[ronaldj]

God bless and Good Luck. A lame response to your loss. Thanks for taking care of her. Dhe will always smile upon you.

[tkierpiec]

My condolences, Lodgedodger, on the passing of your mother. It sounds like you were able to give her wonderful care, love and attention during her final weeks here on earth and that's all we can really hope for, isn't it? Your love for her was very evident in your postings here...God Bless you all.

[sumas]

My condolences as well. Words seem so trite to express sympathy. So a simple God Bless will have to do

[Maxine1958]

LodgeDodger, My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother.

I'm glad that you got to spent that extra time with her in your home where you could surround her with love and comfort. I'm sure that thoughts of those days will comfort you in the days and years to come.

As Blueiodine said, even though I lost my loving mother 12 years ago, I also still miss her every single day. But I also Thank God every day for hospice and how with their help I could make her last days comfortable and peaceful.

God Bless,

Maxine1958

[LodgeDodger]

I am glad this was posted, I myself am going through the deal with my Mom having open heart surgery about 3weeks ago. I have seen myself how she is trying to deal with this ordeal. I myself would most likely move back in with them, WHICH I get from my Mom would be like pulling teeth. We are both like old mules.My Mom has taken care of my father, my Grandparents and kept my 85yr old StepDad in check.As I myself get older I can see why older folks like one story houses.My parents live in a two story and it is almost like when my Grandmother moved in.There is also the hidden question which I myself can hear in the distance "Is Reddog doing enuff for his folks?". Dealing with one elderly parent is a chore, well two the more the merrier. I myself can say this. My 85 yr old Dad is doing better then I expected through this, and for the most part he has stopped relying on my Mom. Which in a way makes her mad cause she doesn't have to do everything now and things are still ok.Good luck Lodger and how all goes well.

How are you doing with your folks, Reddog?

[sumas]

Just a slight moan. We are still caretakers for two households. It gets over whelming sometimes. My Mom's senility is increasing daily. Now she is getting just plain mean. Today, after I came home from work early, we did a lost get away day. We went to a friend's house, sat around, talked about stuff and drank a bit too much. Did come home in time to cook dinner for Mom but am now feeling guilty that we did not go to our friend's house to do the same. I am also feeling guilty about calling our friend's case worker. Months ago, I could have been paid a nominal fee for his care. I chose [[for personal reasons) not to enlist in that program. His increasing need for care [[terminal cancer) made me change my mind. The program will at least cover my gas expenditures to and from his house. It is odd how others lack of health makes one feel so guilty. We do tons of work for both but somehow it feels like we should be doing more. Family members also complicate issues. Like vultures they seem to swarm! It would be nice if some of them would pitch in to help!

[gazhekwe]

[[[[[[[[Sumas)))) That mean stage is pretty terrible to deal with. My mom kind of went through it, it seemed to be directed only against me, who she regarded as competing for her authority. I am also the only one of us three siblings who was available to help her. I really really tried to keep her as independent as possible, and her meanness did help with that. It helps to realize that it was actually part of the disease, which I didn't until much later. I didn't realize she had dementia until she ended up in rehab after a stroke, when it started to accelerate to a degree that was impossible to ignore.

Her whole attitude reminded me of the Terrible Twos. She would even get a bad baby expression on her face when she was at her worst. Although it was sad and scary to see, it really improved our relationship that I could recognize this as a disease stage.

Best wishes and strength to you. I hope you can get the care compensation you deserve for both your situations. My mother paid my sister $15 per hour for help after she ended up in the nursing home and my sister came to help out.

[sumas]

Thanks Gaz for understanding. My Mom will be 90 in a few months. It is heart breaking to see such a swift decline in mental accuity. It also takes a toll on my marriage. It seems I focus too much on needs of others and forget to take care of us!

For ninety, I guess she is doing well. But it is the little things that break my heart. Yesterday, she didn't recognize spinach. "what is this green stuff". We always cook dinner and she likes 2 to three veggies with dinner. Or, another example, her folks were from the south, I cooked hominy with bacon as a side dish, one of her favorites. She didn't remember that is how she always cooked it.

Yesterday, she needed to schedule some tests and the task was beyond her on how to navigate voice mail. I took care of it. My sisters have decided that one of them needs to go to all doctors meetings with her. Why didn't they follow up? I know I sound bitchy but they do not understand the degree of care we provide.

The rest of my family is relatively affluent, we are not. We live here rent free but provide so much in terms of care and property maintainance. My one sister, an attorney, said that Mom could not afford a nursing home environment. Maybe I am wrong but I would like a little respect for for services provided instead of being made to feel like some kind of bum. For the record, I will take care of my Mother for the long haul. I love her!

[gazhekwe]

I can't emphasize enough that the time to work on a care contract and protect yourself from siblings thinking you are getting a free ride is NOW. If your mother has enough lucidity to understand that you are doing things for her, she may still be able to sign a care contract where your services can be outlined and balanced against any benefit you receive from living in your mom's house [[if that is what you do).

Do you use your money to pay anything -- groceries, utilities, housenote, maintenance?
Do you perform everyday household tasks that your mother would otherwise do for herself -- cleaning, cooking, laundry?
Do you provide personal care for her -- helping her bathe, dress, pay bills, take care of business [[like making doctor appointments)? As her condition progresses, she may need more and more help, increasing to 24/7 and all kinds of care from bathroom to toothbrushing, to making sure she doesn't wander.

There are pretty standard values for each of these things that can be balanced against any benefits you receive, like living rent-free, and tasks that you would normally perform in your own house. Siblings typically see things perking along as usual and do not associate the amount of time you put in on caring for and helping mom and preserving her home as an asset which could presumably then be divided equally among the heirs. Be prepared for sibs to think you don't deserve an equal share because you were living free. It happens.

I agree someone needs to go to her appointments with her. It is hard for anyone to take in, understand and recall everything the doctor said. As elders have so many things to monitor, and if mental condition or hearing deteriorates, coordinated effort is essential to make sure everything is done right. My dad, 86, who has no apparent mental issues, was recently give a third antacid prescription. He thought he was to finish the first one and then restart the second one and add the third one. I had a problem with that and convinced him to call the doctor before he finished the first one. He did, and he was to stop one and two and start three. I think he probably would have called the doctor anyway, but it still makes me nervous. He lives 350 miles from here so I can't just pick up and go to the doctor with him.

If you want to consult an elder law attorney, you can find one at www.naela.com. I have posted this info before. I am not an attorney, but I have attended NAELA conferences for more than ten years. I guess it rubs off.

[sumas]

I think I will follow your advise and contact an attorney. It just makes sense. Recently Mom had Cds that she cashed out to give to her kids. I think my sister prompted this because if Mom ended up in a nursing home all her assets would be drained away.

We do contribute to household expenses. We also help maintain the house in many ways. Here is a typical day. We cut and edged the front yard. Went grocery shopping for our household and for our friend who is fighting cancer. Came home, put a corned beef brisket on low to cook. Went to our friends, cut his backyard which is hugh. Did his dishes and some laundry. Put a pot roast into the oven for him. Came home finished cooking dinner then cleaned up the kitchen. Mom still drives locally during the day so hubby backs her car into the garage to make it easy for her to leave. The list of what we do daily is so long and so boring I'll spare everyone the details.

It never occurred to me that my sister [[Mom's executor) might exact payment for the time we have lived here. Thanks for the heads up. Unfortunately it does sound like something she might do. Lately, Mom has started hiding valuables, I always report locations to my sister. When Mom dies, I only want one thing, an aquamarine ring she owns [[my birthstone) that she said she wanted me to have. I will just walk away and let the rest of the family squabble over assets.

Thank you Gaz for being such a nice and understanding sounding board for my issues. Sue