Advice Wanted: Elderly Parent Moving In

**Gertrude** · July-29-09, 11:42 PM

LodgeDodger, I am so sorry to hear your mother passed away but it sounds like a peaceful passing for all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

LodgeDodger · August-01-09, 09:25 AM

Mother's passing was as peaceful as it could be--given the circumstances. The funeral went smoothly. I have no regrets and am very thankful to have had the opportunity to take the time off to be with her.

A heart-felt thank you to everyone for their kind comments.

**ronaldj** · August-02-09, 09:13 PM

God bless and Good Luck. A lame response to your loss. Thanks for taking care of her. Dhe will always smile upon you.

**gazhekwe** · September-04-09, 09:09 AM

[[[[[[[[Sumas)))) That mean stage is pretty terrible to deal with. My mom kind of went through it, it seemed to be directed only against me, who she regarded as competing for her authority. I am also the only one of us three siblings who was available to help her. I really really tried to keep her as independent as possible, and her meanness did help with that. It helps to realize that it was actually part of the disease, which I didn't until much later. I didn't realize she had dementia until she ended up in rehab after a stroke, when it started to accelerate to a degree that was impossible to ignore.

Her whole attitude reminded me of the Terrible Twos. She would even get a bad baby expression on her face when she was at her worst. Although it was sad and scary to see, it really improved our relationship that I could recognize this as a disease stage.

Best wishes and strength to you. I hope you can get the care compensation you deserve for both your situations. My mother paid my sister $15 per hour for help after she ended up in the nursing home and my sister came to help out.

**sumas** · September-05-09, 02:10 AM

Thanks Gaz for understanding. My Mom will be 90 in a few months. It is heart breaking to see such a swift decline in mental accuity. It also takes a toll on my marriage. It seems I focus too much on needs of others and forget to take care of us!

For ninety, I guess she is doing well. But it is the little things that break my heart. Yesterday, she didn't recognize spinach. "what is this green stuff". We always cook dinner and she likes 2 to three veggies with dinner. Or, another example, her folks were from the south, I cooked hominy with bacon as a side dish, one of her favorites. She didn't remember that is how she always cooked it.

Yesterday, she needed to schedule some tests and the task was beyond her on how to navigate voice mail. I took care of it. My sisters have decided that one of them needs to go to all doctors meetings with her. Why didn't they follow up? I know I sound bitchy but they do not understand the degree of care we provide.

The rest of my family is relatively affluent, we are not. We live here rent free but provide so much in terms of care and property maintainance. My one sister, an attorney, said that Mom could not afford a nursing home environment. Maybe I am wrong but I would like a little respect for for services provided instead of being made to feel like some kind of bum. For the record, I will take care of my Mother for the long haul. I love her!

**gazhekwe** · September-05-09, 09:53 AM

I can't emphasize enough that the time to work on a care contract and protect yourself from siblings thinking you are getting a free ride is NOW. If your mother has enough lucidity to understand that you are doing things for her, she may still be able to sign a care contract where your services can be outlined and balanced against any benefit you receive from living in your mom's house [[if that is what you do).

Do you use your money to pay anything -- groceries, utilities, housenote, maintenance?
Do you perform everyday household tasks that your mother would otherwise do for herself -- cleaning, cooking, laundry?
Do you provide personal care for her -- helping her bathe, dress, pay bills, take care of business [[like making doctor appointments)? As her condition progresses, she may need more and more help, increasing to 24/7 and all kinds of care from bathroom to toothbrushing, to making sure she doesn't wander.

There are pretty standard values for each of these things that can be balanced against any benefits you receive, like living rent-free, and tasks that you would normally perform in your own house. Siblings typically see things perking along as usual and do not associate the amount of time you put in on caring for and helping mom and preserving her home as an asset which could presumably then be divided equally among the heirs. Be prepared for sibs to think you don't deserve an equal share because you were living free. It happens.

I agree someone needs to go to her appointments with her. It is hard for anyone to take in, understand and recall everything the doctor said. As elders have so many things to monitor, and if mental condition or hearing deteriorates, coordinated effort is essential to make sure everything is done right. My dad, 86, who has no apparent mental issues, was recently give a third antacid prescription. He thought he was to finish the first one and then restart the second one and add the third one. I had a problem with that and convinced him to call the doctor before he finished the first one. He did, and he was to stop one and two and start three. I think he probably would have called the doctor anyway, but it still makes me nervous. He lives 350 miles from here so I can't just pick up and go to the doctor with him.

If you want to consult an elder law attorney, you can find one at www.naela.com. I have posted this info before. I am not an attorney, but I have attended NAELA conferences for more than ten years. I guess it rubs off.

**sumas** · September-06-09, 06:12 AM

I think I will follow your advise and contact an attorney. It just makes sense. Recently Mom had Cds that she cashed out to give to her kids. I think my sister prompted this because if Mom ended up in a nursing home all her assets would be drained away.

We do contribute to household expenses. We also help maintain the house in many ways. Here is a typical day. We cut and edged the front yard. Went grocery shopping for our household and for our friend who is fighting cancer. Came home, put a corned beef brisket on low to cook. Went to our friends, cut his backyard which is hugh. Did his dishes and some laundry. Put a pot roast into the oven for him. Came home finished cooking dinner then cleaned up the kitchen. Mom still drives locally during the day so hubby backs her car into the garage to make it easy for her to leave. The list of what we do daily is so long and so boring I'll spare everyone the details.

It never occurred to me that my sister [[Mom's executor) might exact payment for the time we have lived here. Thanks for the heads up. Unfortunately it does sound like something she might do. Lately, Mom has started hiding valuables, I always report locations to my sister. When Mom dies, I only want one thing, an aquamarine ring she owns [[my birthstone) that she said she wanted me to have. I will just walk away and let the rest of the family squabble over assets.

Thank you Gaz for being such a nice and understanding sounding board for my issues. Sue

**sumas** · September-06-09, 06:41 AM

I think I will follow your advise and contact an attorney. It just makes sense. Recently Mom had Cds that she cashed out to give to her kids. I think my sister prompted this because if Mom ended up in a nursing home all her assets would be drained away.

We do contribute to household expenses. We also help maintain the house in many ways. Here is a typical day. We cut and edged the front yard. Went grocery shopping for our household and for our friend who is fighting cancer. Came home, put a corned beef brisket on low to cook. Went to our friends, cut his backyard which is hugh. Did his dishes and some laundry. Put a pot roast into the oven for him. Came home finished cooking dinner then cleaned up the kitchen. Mom still drives locally during the day so hubby backs her car into the garage to make it easy for her to leave. The list of what we do daily is so long and so boring I'll spare everyone the details.

It never occurred to me that my sister [[Mom's executor) might exact payment for the time we have lived here. Thanks for the heads up. Unfortunately it does sound like something she might do. Lately, Mom has started hiding valuables, I always report locations to my sister. When Mom dies, I only want one thing, an aquamarine ring she owns [[my birthstone) that she said she wanted me to have. I will just walk away and let the rest of the family squabble over assets.

Thank you Gaz for being such a nice and understanding sounding board for my issues. Sue

Stosh · September-06-09, 11:06 PM

Originally Posted by sumas

I think I will follow your advise and contact an attorney. It just makes sense. Recently Mom had Cds that she cashed out to give to her kids. I think my sister prompted this because if Mom ended up in a nursing home all her assets would be drained away.

A lawyer would be a good idea. All her assets can be clawed back by the feds if the transfer was within the last 5 years. Giving away assets makes no difference.

**sumas** · September-07-09, 07:59 AM

Interesting advice from everyone. As far as I know my Mom has adequate resources if ever she should need nursing home care. As long as I am able, she will never see the inside of one however. I agree with Lodge, her money is her money and should be spent on her. If something is left over then that is great but not necessary to me.

My one [[of two ) sisters just seems to care about money. I don't mean to put her down too much, she is smart and highly successful. But I remember the old phrase, "You can't take it with you". How much more does she think she needs? Years ago when we were young, I borrowed a dime from her to make a phone call . She came back at me about a week later demanding her money. A dime for Petes sake! I gave her a dollar. I was a high school student at the time and I think minimum wages were $1.30 an hour.

I just want to thank everyone for letting me vent a little. I worry more about Mom' s wellness than her assets. Thanks again!

**gazhekwe** · September-06-09, 10:26 AM

You're welcome, Sumas. It is amazing the stories you hear about what the heirs will fight over, and how one person's treasure can become other people's dross. Heh, I still have this really ugly 1930s upholstered rocker that husband's mother forced on me as the relatives were cleaning out grandma and grandpa's place. No one wanted this thing. We hadn't taken anything and the mother-in-law was sure we were being slighted. I have this thing, it is so ugly and heavy you wouldn't believe it, and I can't get rid of it because it's grandpa's chair.

As far as Mom's assets being drained by a nursing home, that could happen. There are ways to preserve some of it though. An elder law attorney can fill you in on some of those things for the price of a consultation. Other siblings should probably attend that one, maybe after the one you make to discuss your issue.

Keeping a record of your expenses and services is important, especially as your mother becomes more dependent, hoping you will never need it.

LodgeDodger · September-06-09, 09:58 PM

Originally Posted by gazhekwe

You're welcome, Sumas. It is amazing the stories you hear about what the heirs will fight over, and how one person's treasure can become other people's dross. Heh, I still have this really ugly 1930s upholstered rocker that husband's mother forced on me as the relatives were cleaning out grandma and grandpa's place. No one wanted this thing. We hadn't taken anything and the mother-in-law was sure we were being slighted. I have this thing, it is so ugly and heavy you wouldn't believe it, and I can't get rid of it because it's grandpa's chair.

As far as Mom's assets being drained by a nursing home, that could happen. There are ways to preserve some of it though. An elder law attorney can fill you in on some of those things for the price of a consultation. Other siblings should probably attend that one, maybe after the one you make to discuss your issue.

Keeping a record of your expenses and services is important, especially as your mother becomes more dependent, hoping you will never need it.

Excuse me, but isn't that what the money is for? For a rainy day? If your folks need assistance and the money is there, by all means, use it. It might make a big difference in the quality of their life. A few hundred dollars a month might be the difference between so-so care and excellent care.