Advice Wanted: Elderly Parent Moving In

[sumas]

Adjustments will no doubt be difficult especially if this is not what she wants. We did the reverse and moved in with Mom. Loss of privacy is the biggest problem. I also find it annoying that my brothers and sisters don't do more to help.

Two weeks ago we spent 10 hours in emergency with Mom. Everyone was mad at me cause I didn't call them. If the problem persisted and she was admitted I would have called. I did call her sister in Florida. Had I called them, no one would have come anyways.

My mother is 89, every two weeks my sister and her daughter come for dinner. My mother likes to cook for them which is fine with me since we do all the cooking on a daily basis. My big beef is that they expect to be waited on and never clear or clean the dishes. Also they take any left overs home like it's an entitlement. We were out yesterday [[day off) two sisters came for dinner and plates and pots were piled in the sink. We came home at 8 to see this mess. I took care of the dishes and my husband did the pots and pans. I also told my sisters they were "lazy fat asses". Which is true. That got them pissed.

They think we are bums who live off of my Mom. It's true, we live here rent free. We cook, we clean, we buy the groceries, we drive her and her friends, we maintain her car, the house and gardens.

We love Mom dearly, its my sibs that get under my skin. We own a home and could leave at any time. Sorry I turned this into a mini rant but I do get annoyed that no one else does anything for her.

[gazhekwe]

Anyone caring for elders, especially involving disputes with siblings, needs to keep track of relative expenses and services. I can't get how people thinking living with elders is such a gravy train. I guess they fondly remember the good old days before everyone left home, when Mom and Dad paid all the bills and kept everything going. You might like seeing an elder law attorney to discuss care contract. They can help you work out cost details and put them in writing for your parents and you to sign.

Once that is done, the other sibs will have nothing to fight you over. You will be asked to list all the things you pay for and take care of, and how much care is given to the elders. Housework is compensated at so much per hour, with consideration that of course, some of it you would naturally do anyway for the two of you. 24/7 availabilty is not cheap in the real world, and that can be figured in as well. And so on. Even if you do that yourself, listing your expenses related to them on one side, and theirs related to you on the other, and listing the services you perform for them, it will make it easier to figure out when push comes to shove. Good luck all of you, been there, done that.

We had my sister, who was jobless and homeless at the time, here and she helped with Mom a lot. We arranged for a care contract to compensate for her time and she was able to get some spending money that way. I could have done the same, but didn't see the need. I was happy to have my sister here to take a lot of the load.

[reddog289]

When I think of it my Mom raised me, That said she told me you "Don,t have to visit me everyday" deal makes me know she can deal with her deal.There are no easy answers to caring for the elderly. I might end up that way myself. I have figured out to my best judgement.There are the ones who will deal with it, the ones that can't , and the ones who will not know either which way.As long as I have a roof over me I willl be there for my folks.

[sumas]

Anyone caring for elders, especially involving disputes with siblings, needs to keep track of relative expenses and services. I can't get how people thinking living with elders is such a gravy train. I guess they fondly remember the good old days before everyone left home, when Mom and Dad paid all the bills and kept everything going. You might like seeing an elder law attorney to discuss care contract. They can help you work out cost details and put them in writing for your parents and you to sign.

Once that is done, the other sibs will have nothing to fight you over. You will be asked to list all the things you pay for and take care of, and how much care is given to the elders. Housework is compensated at so much per hour, with consideration that of course, some of it you would naturally do anyway for the two of you. 24/7 availabilty is not cheap in the real world, and that can be figured in as well. And so on. Even if you do that yourself, listing your expenses related to them on one side, and theirs related to you on the other, and listing the services you perform for them, it will make it easier to figure out when push comes to shove. Good luck all of you, been there, done that.

We had my sister, who was jobless and homeless at the time, here and she helped with Mom a lot. We arranged for a care contract to compensate for her time and she was able to get some spending money that way. I could have done the same, but didn't see the need. I was happy to have my sister here to take a lot of the load.

Thank you for understanding my problem. We do loads of work and maybe should do more. It would be nice if the family really appreciated what we do. I do have a home we could move to and when I suggested we might leave, family went ballistic. They might have to do something.

I don't care about estate or money, I would just like a little respect for what we do.

We also have a person who is very close to us, in final stages of cancer who we try to care for. Spent Memorial Monday working on his house. His family sucks too! He is rich in people, unrelated people, who care. We share the burden. So nice, unlike my shitty family.

Sometimes it is the small things that set me off. My one sister keeps buying a Boston Fern for Mom for Mother's Day. Three years ago I asked her, please don't. I work as a gardener for a living. We don't have a good spot for it and it is a hugh pain trying to keep it alive. I think she does it to annoy me.

Good Lord, I sound petty. Think twice though, before you become a care giver. It is a thankless job.