Need advice on finding lost kin

**sumas** · March-26-10, 06:41 PM

Our dear friend recently passed on. He was gay but did have an affair with a woman that resulted in a male child. He would never talk about it. Us and other family members would like to find his son. We think this son would now be about late thirties, early forties. We have zero info to go on. I do remember that there are agencies that hook "lost" kids up with biological parents, so that is our only hope that he might be looking for his roots.

Who can we register with, so if the son is looking for him, he can find us, so we can share info about his dad.

Thanks, sounds lame, I get it. It is just that if we could connect with his son, we would get a little part of mister back!

**Ragtoplover59** · March-26-10, 08:12 PM

Do you know his name? If you do you might try Facebook to look for him. or in a reverse kind of way, you could make a facebook page in his fathers name with some info that you would like to find his son, If the son ever googled his or his fathers name, he will find the facebook page?

I have found people with facebook, that 40 yrs and 600 miles should have kept lost forever. Might work for you too. Good luck!

**Ray1936** · March-26-10, 08:50 PM

If you come up with a name, try www.zabasearch.com

**Blueidone** · March-26-10, 10:22 PM

I know there is a place to sign up...because my sister found the son she gave up for adoption. I will contact her and see if I can get the info for you.

**agirlintheD** · March-26-10, 11:17 PM

Sorry..no advice. Just wanted to wish you luck in your search and please keep us updated.

**Blueidone** · March-27-10, 06:57 AM

Here is the answer from my sister:

"If the son was adopted in Michigan by someone else, especially if the name was changed, you might try contacting the Adoption Identity Movement of Michigan. There was an act passed several years ago in Michigan [[and other states) called the "Confidential Intermediary Act" which allows this person to contact the child or parent and ask if it is alright that they are contacted. The confidential intermediary can be assigned by the county, e.g. Macomb/Wayne/Oakland County Social Services.

If the mother just brought up the child, you might try social security records thru Ancestry.com for the mother's maiden name and then possibly trace if she got married and where she went. You also might just try the child's name on Face Book, You Tube, etc. to see if he might have a site.
What age would he be, and does he know what the boy was named? I can log onto Ancestry.com and check for you .

I found my son in 1993 thru one of the guys who attended the Adoption identity Movement of Michigan group. He had credit records on CD's, but I don't think that would happen now because of privacy laws. "

Hope this helps...but since you don't know much information, it may be very difficult.

**Det_ard** · March-27-10, 11:16 AM

Are you sure the son knows about his biological father? How do you know that mucking around won't interfere with the son's life? Maybe the mother got married to someone else and her husband brought up the son as his own. Maybe having a bunch of strangers pop up in his life would introduce a bunch of unnecessary and unwelcome drama. Maybe they've maintained the kind fiction that Dad [[the man who raised him and is seen as Dad) is really Dad. Do you or mister's relatives have any right to interfere in the son's life and destroy that relationship?

Maybe you'd best leave him alone, and at most only put contact info on a website in case he is aware of his biological father and is actively seeking him out.

You're looking to "get a little part of mister back". That's entirely a self-centered reason. If you aren't 100% positive that the son is looking for his bio-dad then let sleeping dogs lie before you screw up someone's life due to your curiosity and neediness.

Retroit · March-27-10, 12:54 PM

I thought the same thing at first Det_ard. But after re-reading sumas' post, I think the intent is to give "mister's son" the opportunity to find information by his own volition.

Who knows, maybe this guy has had a strong desire to find out about his father and has had no luck.

Michigan · March-27-10, 01:49 PM

Originally Posted by Det_ard

Are you sure the son knows about his biological father? How do you know that mucking around won't interfere with the son's life? Maybe the mother got married to someone else and her husband brought up the son as his own. Maybe having a bunch of strangers pop up in his life would introduce a bunch of unnecessary and unwelcome drama. Maybe they've maintained the kind fiction that Dad [[the man who raised him and is seen as Dad) is really Dad. Do you or mister's relatives have any right to interfere in the son's life and destroy that relationship?

Maybe you'd best leave him alone, and at most only put contact info on a website in case he is aware of his biological father and is actively seeking him out.

You're looking to "get a little part of mister back". That's entirely a self-centered reason. If you aren't 100% positive that the son is looking for his bio-dad then let sleeping dogs lie before you screw up someone's life due to your curiosity and neediness.

Dude- the boy's father just gave her a house. There might be some sort of genetic trait that was passed own with that Y chromosome. Sure the risks to the boy are great, but the potential payoff is too good to pass up,. I mean, two free houses from one family? How often does that happen? You have better odds hitting powerball!!!!

**Maof** · March-27-10, 03:59 PM

how's 'bout wetv.com/the-locator

**Detwa** · March-27-10, 05:48 PM

Det_ard has a really good point, sumas. I know your heart is in the right place, but the problem is that you're so far removed from the situation that its not YOUR place to search for his son. It's different if its the MOTHER looking for her child, because only she knows that its for certain HER child. However, with the father, well, you know how that goes - if there is no proof that it is his son, then what do you have? He certainly doesn't even know, especially if his name is not on the birth certificate and he has had no contact with the boy all of his life. There could be some deep dark secrets there that you know nothing about and don't have the right to disturb. I think this is something that the mother or father should have undertaken, no one else has that right. It's very interesting that not only was he not in the boy's life but you say he wouldn't even talk about it. And I'm curious about your words, "he had an affair", does that mean the mother was married to another, or just that they were seeing each other?

I just really feel that this is something outside of your role, but if you insist on pursuing it, I think the safest thing you could do is maybe make a Facebook page In Memoriam, then if the son happens to look for him, he would find the page and contact you.

Ravine · March-28-10, 11:16 AM

Sumas, c'mon. You can't be serious. How many beads are gonna be on this necklace?

Stosh · March-30-10, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by Maof

how's 'bout wetv.com/the-locator

I'd pay good money to see this on that show. For real.

The look on his face would be priceless.

**carolcb** · April-01-10, 11:09 AM

As the child of someone who gave me up, the idea that you are ever just going to disappear and never have any trace of being the mother to a child - or a father, although obviously finding a father is much harder.

I dont personally think it is right to just strip anyone of their background and then act galled that they might want to know. I can understand that no one wants a "unwanted child" tap dancing on their doorstep, but facts are facts.

Good luck. I wrote one letter back when I was 26 and hit my mother's only brother living in the state of Michigan. My mother has no interest in knowing anything about me other than I am far away from her. I have never met her or spoken to her. She sent me a letter when she was 47 saying "your father was a bad person and unfortunately I found out too late" and gave me no identifying information whatsoever. I have three half siblings who are out and about as well.

I can tell you in the brief interaction with she and her husband, I have nothing in common with her, so there go your Nature versus Nurture conversations. If I sound mad, I am not. Disgusted maybe, but fairy tales only happen in storybooks.

**sumas** · April-01-10, 01:40 PM

Thanks all, for comments. I got unbelievably lucky. Found his son and he was in front of me for years, I think in my heart I knew. I now have pictures and I am so happy to have a part of him left to me. I laughed, I cried. The son even offered to give DNA but I said,

no thanks I can see and feel truth. I'll tell the story later when I have a little more time.

**Jimaz** · April-01-10, 02:17 PM

These can be great stories. I'll never forget the time shortly after we were first exposed to the internet. A coworker used it to locate her daughter's long lost father all the way over in Germany. It seemed like a miracle at the time.

Michigan · April-01-10, 05:32 PM

It's the nephew, isn't it?

**sumas** · April-01-10, 09:21 PM

Michigan, you are so right!

The gay man we knew tried to be straight when young, had an affair with his brothers fiance. Brother knew, Momma knew and Mister too. They kept that secret for all these years. Not totally sure why, since the family is not all that stellar. They are all dead now and really appreciate just knowing the truth.

But I do get to look at my Mister's son who has his eyes. It was really all there for me to see and I just didn't. I do think in my minds eye I did know. I loved Mister and I love his son.

I remember 3 weeks before Mister's death telling his "nephew" that I believed that the only people who really loved him deeply were me and him. How strange! I did know in my heart!

Plan on visiting his cypt [[sp) tomorrow. My best buddy, now deceased, a gay man, is a father, a grandfather and a great grandfather. I just want to laugh at him a little.

**Jimaz** · April-01-10, 10:27 PM

Now we know why the nephew was so conscientious. Great story. How is the rest of the menagerie behaving?

**sumas** · April-02-10, 03:37 AM

Jimaz, depends on the day. Never really know who is talking to me and my husband. The nephew "son" has been great, his son is currently sullen and ignores us. Other relatives will be moving out shortly. Mister wanted us to have the house, which we do.

Only the son seems to really believe that the house is ours but no one seems to think they need to clear ideas and household changes with us.

The past year has been a lot like having my own soap opera. My son dropped by at our request and gave him a tour of the whole house. He has friends that can help me do some minor work for low cost. My real priority currently is to paint exterior trim and replace some old plumbing. Also want to reconfigure the back yard which is huge to incorporate secure parking. The neighborhood is safe, with great neighbors. No bad crime but car theft has been an issue in the past.

The current situation is awkward at best. I did place an ad for rooms to let. The house is beautiful. The current [[and only paying tennant has been great) He lives in the third floor servants quarters.

**sumas** · April-02-10, 04:19 AM

I re-read the posts and was a litle surprised to see mean spirited comments. Personally I am grateful that the son came forward and very flattered we were the first people he told the truth to.

My heart is in the right place. Well before I knew the truth, I had offered a permanent home to his "nephew". He is however a rambling man.

I had no intent to stir up trouble. There is none. I get a little piece of my mister back and he gets a feel of permanance and exceptance. I am so grateful that he came forward. It truely eases my deep sense of loss.

**Detwa** · April-02-10, 05:27 AM

Sumas, I'm glad it all worked out great in the end. In your initial post, you didn't give all of that information so I and probably others didn't know this was someone right within the family circle that you already knew. You said you wanted to find lost kin, and that Mister had an affair with a woman and he never talked about the son. You didn't say it was the sister-in-law or the nephew, so I was under the impression you were going to dig up some stranger that had no idea about Mister or any of the family secrets, that's why I said I didn't feel it was a good idea. I mean, you said you had zero information and other family members also wanted to "find" him, but apparently he was right there in the family and everyone already knew, so I'm a bit confused. [[shrug) Maybe I was out of the loop with the whole story, I just went with what you said when you opened the thread and you were talking about going to an agency to find lost kin. I doubt that anyone was trying to be mean spirited but if you reread your opening post, it is very misleading about the true situation and gives a totally different impression than what was really going on.

This touched me also because I am the product of an affair- my mother was married and had an affair with another man, and apparently never told him that I was his child, however, allegedly both families knew, and her marriage broke up because of it. I've been told my entire life that I look like the other family, and its a well known "secret", and until I was 15 and told the entire story, I could never understand why my "father" treated me differently than he treated the other kids.

Anyway, today I'm in my 40s and have never pursued the other family, however, I've been able to locate them online and I think about contacting them often. I probably will, only thing is, both my mother and her husband are deceased, and my real father may even be deceased at this point. That makes it a little more difficult to corroborate stories, but there's always DNA. On one hand I just feel like, what difference does it make at my age, but then I have children and I don't want them to stumble upon any of their relatives and end up dating!

Anyway, not to hijack your thread, just wanted to say congrats and I'm glad you were able to resolve it so quickly!

**sumas** · April-02-10, 09:44 AM

I really did not realize his "son" has been known to me. We were the first to be told the truth. I am not generally a lucky person so to find his kin so quickly is extraordinary.

Never could figure out why I loved Mister so much. His extended family is hugh and no doubt many think we played a trick getting him to leave his house and its contents to us.

For all who want to locate blood parents, I say it's worth a try. I imagine one needs to be prepared for negative responses but in our case I am so happy the mystery is solved. I got a little piece of Mister back.

We have a friend who never knew until he was in his fifties that his father wasn't his father. He was grateful his oldest sister finally told him the truth. His Mom was a light colored black woman and his Dad was dark skinned and both presumed parents were very tiny in stature. Our friend C is 6'5 and so light that people don't realize he is black. Being told resolved a lot of questions he had. His mother was a housekeeper for a local dentist, they had an affair and C was the result.

No one told him either until all affected parties were dead.