Tax Humor

[Locke09]

I just mailed a substantial check to the IRS and I need a good laugh. So I thought, why don't we have a time-limited thread where we submit our favorite tax-related jokes/humor. Let's see how many we can get before midnight, when taxes must be in the mail.

Here's one of mine:

"A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest." - C. Bob Thaves [[creator of comic strip Frank and Ernest)

[[And yes, I understand some level of taxation is necessary. Just thought some people might need a little laugh.)

[Johnlodge]

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."

-- Herbert Hoover

[eriedearie]

"There's only two things you can really count on to happen in life.
Death and Taxes.
Not necessarily in that order."

Saying of Eriedearie's grandma

[Johnlodge]

"There's only two things you can really count on to happen in life.
Death and Taxes.
Not necessarily in that order."

Saying of Eriedearie's grandma

Yes, but you can only get an extension on one of them.

[ccbatson]

A topic too enraging for me to joke about.

[Ray1936]

I don't mind paying my share. Being over 65 and retired with not that much income to report, my tax bite is small anyway. And I live in a no-income tax state.

Real estate taxes bite my ass, though.

[Bigb23]

Dave Barry is also my favorite -


It’s almost April 15, time for our annual column, “Tax Advice For Regular Humans,� which is based on extensive deductible research, including $83,000 for boat rentals alone. It takes a heap of research to keep up with the ever-expanding U.S. Tax Code, which is now so big that it’s one of only two man-made objects on earth visible from the moon [[the other one is Tony Robbins).
This year, there are some major changes that you, as a taxpayer, should be aware of, unless—to quote Internal Revenue Service Commissioner Charles Rossotti, in his annual Message To Taxpayers—“you wish to become roommates with a federal-prison inmate who weighs 400 pounds and likes to dress you up as Tinkerbell.�
Among the significant tax changes are these:
• Taxpayers filing the standard Form 1040 will no longer be required to calculate line 43[[b), Adjusted Gross Prehensile Net Income, which the IRS recently acknowledged was, quote, “a prank.�
• To help stimulate the economy, the Imaginary Child Tax Credit has been increased to eleventeen jillion willion dollars.
• Taxpayers who report income derived from eating sheep eyeballs on the TV show “Fear Factor� will be deported, as specified in the National Gene Pool Recovery Act.
• Taxpayers who do not itemize their deductions may now file their tax returns via Etch A Sketch.
• But the most significant change is that this year, every taxpayer, living or dead, must file two tax returns. One of these is your regular tax return, which is for your regular federal government headquartered in Washington, D.C. But you must also file a shadow tax return, including a shadow tax payment, which will be used to finance...
Security Note: Terrorists, or persons whose luggage has been packed by terrorists, are required to stop reading at this point. Thank you.
...the new shadow federal government. This is a top-secret operation that, according to The Washington Post, has been set up in a heavily guarded, undisclosed location in the basement of the Big Boy restaurant in Bismarck, N.D. The function of the shadow government is to ensure that, even if the “unthinkable� happens, we, as American citizens, will still have a central federal authority with the ability and resources to provide us with a tax code.
The shadow government is basically a scaled-down version of the one in Washington, with everything necessary to continue critical government operations, including lobbyists, an exact working replica of Dick Cheney, a Starbucks, a five-foot-high Washington monument, and a miniature “congress� made up of gerbils wearing tiny suits who have been trained to hold hearings and authorize the construction of unnecessary highway projects named after Robert C. Byrd.
Of course, it’s possible that there really isn’t any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office—officially named “The Office of Disinformation�—that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: “Well, we’re certainly not going to attack Iraq!� The news media would report this, and Iraq would relax. [[France, meanwhile, would surrender.)
The problem with this plan, of course, is that the news media are always getting things wrong. They might report that we were going to attack Iraq, which would then be forewarned. [[France, meanwhile, would surrender.) But it’s a moot point now, because Secretary Rumsfeld recently declared that the disinformation program has been shut down. At least that’s what the news media said he declared. But that means Secretary Rumsfeld might actually have declared that the disinformation program has not been shut down. But of course he could have been lying, to mislead the enemy. This is assuming that there even is a “Secretary Rumsfeld.�
Fortunately, none of this affects you, the taxpayer. Your function is to send money to the government, not to understand what the government does with it. Which brings us back to your shadow tax payment. You must not send it to the IRS, because that’s the first place the terrorists would look for it. Send it, in cash, to me—you can trust me, because I’m in the news media—and I’ll make sure it gets to the shadow government. Do it now, because Congress has run out of pellets, and has started chewing on Dick.






Editor’s Note: Dave Barry is a humor columnist for The Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132.

[ccbatson]

Real estate taxes are to pay for public schooling...very unfair redistribution of wealth don't you think?

[ghettopalmetto]

Real estate taxes are to pay for public schooling...very unfair redistribution of wealth don't you think?

Well said! When are those little bastards going to start pulling their own weight around here? Screw the kids--I need a new home theater!

[ccbatson]

How about parents with school age children foot the bill and make the choices [[creating incentive for the schools at the same time)?

[ccbatson]

It can't work that way...paying twice does not diminish the oppression and seizure of liberty [[by force) inherent in the system as it exists. The only solution is to dismantle this [[and all other) entitlements.

[Redford Kid]

I thought there is a rule about the number of post allowed per day, week etc. the previous poster seems to be able to ignore this rule, burying thoughtful discussion with numerous thoughtless post.

[ccbatson]

Check the math...the numbers check out.

[gazhekwe]

Educating the children benefits all of us, whether we have children in the system or not. CC, I seem to recall you have school age children, or have they grown past that now? If so, you benefit from all our taxes many times, once for each of your children, and overall for having all the children receive an education that will help them become productive citizens.

[ccbatson]

"Benefit" being a relative term and beside the point. We are forced to pay for public schools, whether used or not, whether desired or not, and whether of good quality or not...that last point is crucial as the incentive for quality doesn't exist under any entitlement program.

The saving grace? bright and motivated kids with good parental guidance and support can truly make a silk purse from a sow's ear.