Would You Report Suspected Child Abuse

**misstjohn1** · January-10-10, 09:27 AM

Hi All,

I'm in a dilemma and need your advise Detroit Yes.

I picked up my 2 granddaughters last Friday to spend the weekend with me [[I hadn't seen them since Christmas). The 1yo had a black eye as if someone had backhanded her. When I questioned my 21 yo daughter , she stated the child climbed on a table at the babysitter's and fell off. I don't believe her. Why? Because my daughter will not tell anyone where these kids are during the day when she's at work. We have no phone number, address nothing. When you ask the 3yo what's the babysitters name, she can't tell you. Ever. I kid you not. If something where to happen to her, god forbid, we would have know clue as to where these children are or where to begin looking for them. But anyway, Friday night while laying in bed with them I asked the 3yo what happened to the baby's eye. She says "Brook was fussing and the babysitter hit her" she also said "I hit the babysitter and then I screamed". I immediatly called my mother and told her what was said. the problem is no one wants to "get involved" even though they all know something's not right as this is not the first time something did not seen right with these girls [["unexplained bruises, burns etc). My dilemma is I have called CPS once before on her because she refused to take them to the doctor after one had a fever and wouldn't eat for over a week. Yep I left my name and told them I was the grandmother. My family is in denial but I'm adamant about protecting these kids and not giving a *uck about what my daughter or anyone else thinks. And yes I'm willing to step up and take them in if necessary. What would you do? Thanks

**Crystal** · January-10-10, 09:43 AM

I cannot think of any reason not to report suspected child abuse. So yes, my vote is to report it.

**Maof** · January-10-10, 09:45 AM

absolutely...you may regret it if you don't

**Roq** · January-10-10, 09:51 AM

Yes, those kids are depending on you to speak for them.

LodgeDodger · January-10-10, 09:54 AM

If you do not report the abuse--then you are a party to it.

**gazhekwe** · January-10-10, 09:54 AM

I would tell their mother how the child said it happened first and press her about addressing the children' s safety. She may have believed the babysitter's story and not questioned the older child at all.

It does seem that she may be deliberately shutting you out, but I would want to give her a chance to learn and grow. If she reacts adversely, definitely report. Is it likely you will be denied access to them by your daughter?

**PlymouthRes** · January-10-10, 10:11 AM

I'm with Crystal, LD and the others. To remain silent is equal in culpability to the act itself.

As the grandparent, can't you file a specific, visitational-type ruling that also allows you to have the information you lack [[baby sitters name, age address and phone number)? I would also think that you can use your previous call[[s) to DPS as further proof that you are greatly concerned that the ONGOING negligence of her children will detrimentally affect them.As a grandparent, I believe that the law allows you to be an advocate on behalf of your grandchildren, duer to the fact that their mother is oviously failing them.

I, personally, would be concerned with the "black-eye", "unexplained bruises, burns" and Lord knows what other abnormal stuff you have seen with these kids. It is the prelude to certain abomination for them if you continue to not do something. At 1 1/2 and 3 yoa, who is to be their advocate if you are not?

At the sight of the first burn, I would have made a beeline to the nearest police station and reported it. The hell with the family connection.

I would not confront your daughter as it sounds like she is already advesarial, which, to me, is another sign that she has something to hide behind the curtain.

Turn her in now, before it is too late.

**misstjohn1** · January-10-10, 10:17 AM

As a matter of fact, I did call my daughter that same night and told her what the 3yo said and she chuckled and said "all week everyone has been asking her [[the 3yo) what happened and she says Brook fell off a table and now when she gets over there she says something different". I believe what the 3yo said to me Friday because when I asked her it was just us, it was dark and I told her she can tell Nanna cause I won't tell. I'm gonna call and let the chip fall where they may.

**davewindsor** · January-10-10, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by misstjohn1

Hi All,

I'm in a dilemma and need your advise Detroit Yes.

I picked up my 2 granddaughters last Friday to spend the weekend with me [[I hadn't seen them since Christmas). The 1yo had a black eye as if someone had backhanded her. When I questioned my 21 yo daughter , she stated the child climbed on a table at the babysitter's and fell off. I don't believe her. Why? Because my daughter will not tell anyone where these kids are during the day when she's at work. We have no phone number, address nothing. When you ask the 3yo what's the babysitters name, she can't tell you. Ever. I kid you not. If something where to happen to her, god forbid, we would have know clue as to where these children are or where to begin looking for them. But anyway, Friday night while laying in bed with them I asked the 3yo what happened to the baby's eye. She says "Brook was fussing and the babysitter hit her" she also said "I hit the babysitter and then I screamed". I immediatly called my mother and told her what was said. the problem is no one wants to "get involved" even though they all know something's not right as this is not the first time something did not seen right with these girls [["unexplained bruises, burns etc). My dilemma is I have called CPS once before on her because she refused to take them to the doctor after one had a fever and wouldn't eat for over a week. Yep I left my name and told them I was the grandmother. My family is in denial but I'm adamant about protecting these kids and not giving a *uck about what my daughter or anyone else thinks. And yes I'm willing to step up and take them in if necessary. What would you do? Thanks

Doing something behind her back will only alienate her from you and you'll regret it in the future. Confront her first with what you're going to do to get the real story, at least just to clarify what happened. Be assertive. Wait for her outside her house or apartment. Put your foot in the door if she doesn't want to let you in until she answers your questions.. Don't be part of the problem. Maybe she can't afford a better babysitter. If you're so concerned about her, why not offer some solutions like offering to babysit your grandkids for free instead or having the rest of your family help help out or even offering to help defray the costs of hiring a different babysitter. If she still refuses to accept your help, then you can call CPS.

**Baselinepunk** · January-10-10, 10:43 AM

This is never an easy decision to make. First, I would suggest that you take a minute to sit down and document all of the things you have witnessed and heard. Include as much information as you can, such as person, date, time, statement and rebuttal from the respective parent/guardian. Make a copies of these notes and put them in a safe place.

Statement of caution -- I would advise you to be as thorough in your information as possible. Misinformation, disinformation and misinterpretation of information can cause more harm than good -- especially when dealing with government bodies such as CPS. There are some in the CPS field [[and in the medical field) who can be overzealous regarding their obligation. Further, unfortunately the poor actions of others in the past unnecessarily burden people who have in fact experienced an accident.

Therefore, try to present the information with an "as neutral as possible" persona -- always keeping the welfare of the child[[ren) foremost in your mind. With a decision to report, the people involved in this [[yourself included) will be exposed to "the system"; a system that works but due to the agents involved can become mucked up. Remember, it is possible that the explanations are factual; however, that is not for you to decide. If you are getting that "gut feeling", then I suggest that one always error on the side of caution and report it; that feeling is there for a reason.

Good luck and I wish you strength in this situation.

**misstjohn1** · January-10-10, 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by davewindsor

Doing something behind her back will only alienate her from you and you'll regret it in the future. Confront her first with what you're going to do to get the real story, at least just to clarify what happened. Be assertive. Wait for her outside her house or apartment. Put your foot in the door if she doesn't want to let you in until she answers your questions.. Don't be part of the problem. Maybe she can't afford a better babysitter. If you're so concerned about her, why not offer some solutions like offering to babysit your grandkids for free instead or having the rest of your family help help out or even offering to help defray the costs of hiring a different babysitter. If she still refuses to accept your help, then you can call CPS.

Tried that "confront her approach" but she will lie to the end. Tried the 'I'll help with daycare costs etc". She can afford a better babysitter because she gets an allowance from FIA for daycare. The problem with that is her paternal Grandmother acts as the provider and cashes the checks and gives my daughter the money. I would babysit during the week but I work full time. We do give her plenty of breaks as far as taking the kids for overnight visits. And no I don't charge her to keep them. Ever. My mom use to keep the 3 yo full time and actually retired to do so. But when daughter had the second child it was a bit much for her and she told her she would have to put them in daycare.

**gumby** · January-10-10, 11:02 AM

I can't believe there is even a question. Yes report it, if you don't and something happens to those kids; you are just as guilty.

**East Detroit** · January-10-10, 11:26 AM

Originally Posted by misstjohn1

Hi All,

I'm in a dilemma and need your advise Detroit Yes.

I picked up my 2 granddaughters last Friday to spend the weekend with me [[I hadn't seen them since Christmas). The 1yo had a black eye as if someone had backhanded her. When I questioned my 21 yo daughter , she stated the child climbed on a table at the babysitter's and fell off. I don't believe her. Why? Because my daughter will not tell anyone where these kids are during the day when she's at work. We have no phone number, address nothing. When you ask the 3yo what's the babysitters name, she can't tell you. Ever. I kid you not. If something where to happen to her, god forbid, we would have know clue as to where these children are or where to begin looking for them. But anyway, Friday night while laying in bed with them I asked the 3yo what happened to the baby's eye. She says "Brook was fussing and the babysitter hit her" she also said "I hit the babysitter and then I screamed". I immediatly called my mother and told her what was said. the problem is no one wants to "get involved" even though they all know something's not right as this is not the first time something did not seen right with these girls [["unexplained bruises, burns etc). My dilemma is I have called CPS once before on her because she refused to take them to the doctor after one had a fever and wouldn't eat for over a week. Yep I left my name and told them I was the grandmother. My family is in denial but I'm adamant about protecting these kids and not giving a *uck about what my daughter or anyone else thinks. And yes I'm willing to step up and take them in if necessary. What would you do? Thanks

Other than the fact that I would be the first to shove my fist down the throat of a child abuser, I'm wondering about a few things you've said.

You havent seen the kids since Christmas [[a couple weeks ago) and your daughter won't tell you the name, address and phone number of her babysitter.

Why do you think those situations should be different?

**sumas** · January-10-10, 11:29 AM

Wish I had words of wisdom, I don't. I do send my strength and love to you and your little ones. Decisions made, need to be ones you can live with. Thank you for being their advocate.

**Trumpeteer** · January-10-10, 11:29 AM

Are you in close enough proximity to your daughters to where you could discretely wait to see where your daughter takes the kids and follow or see who comes to her house/apt when she goes to work?

**Blueidone** · January-10-10, 11:38 AM

As a grandmother who has reported suspected abuse I can tell you the following:

In the State of Michigan, grandparents have NO rights whatsoever. Even if you have LIVED with the children and helped to raise them. CPS is grossly understaffed and uncaring unless something tragic happens.

I made such a report. The CPS worker went to the house, talked to the mother of the children, believed every word she said. The worker also sent to the school, but because the older child was a great student and very well behaved at school, no one there had any problem. But the school had no idea what was going on in the home. So what was the outcome? I got a stern talking-to by the worker for making "false" allegations. There was food in the house, a roof over their head and the children appeared healthy, so what's to worry? Nevermind the fact the one of the children is asthmatic and 4 adults were smoking in the household when the mother had been told that the child should not even be ANYWHERE that there is cigar or cigarette smoke. Nevermind the fact that on any given day 4-8 young adult males were hanging out in a home with a 10 yr old female child with no other adult supervision present. Nevermind the fact that the only "dinner" the kids received most of the time was a $5 pizza from Little Caesar's. Nevermind the fact that an uncle who was addicted to drugs was living in the home as well. Nevermind the fact that the mother was picking up men off the internet and bringing them into the house constantly. It's ok...they have food and a roof.

If it were me, suspecting a babysitter in this case, I would, or have someone else, follow them from home to the sitter's to find out exactly where they are. Then check with the State or City to make sure they are a licensed day-care. If so, report them to the licensing board. If not, and it's just a friend, then I would confront the mother of the children with the fact that you KNOW where they are and if anything additional happens, you will report it to CPS and/or the police. Do you know who the children's doctor is, if they have one? The doctor can't talk to you about them, but you can talk to the doctor. Tell him/her what you know and ask him/her to report anything he might see.

You need to be an active advocate for your grandchildren, but recognize that you may not get anywhere until something terrible happens.

Buy American · January-10-10, 12:41 PM

These are your grandchildren. There is no question as to what you should do. Call DPS immediately and report your suspicions, you may be sorry if you don't.
Seems to me your daughter is being very evasive and secretive with you, why?

**misstjohn1** · January-10-10, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by East Detroit

Other than the fact that I would be the first to shove my fist down the throat of a child abuser, I'm wondering about a few things you've said.

You havent seen the kids since Christmas [[a couple weeks ago) and your daughter won't tell you the name, address and phone number of her babysitter.

Why do you think those situations should be different?

The kids spend a great deal of time with my mother. As a matter of fact they spent the night with her NYE so it's not like no one in my family is seeing these kids on a regular basis. My daughter depends on my mother for a lot of things [[rides to wherever, keeping the kids on short notice etc). However my mother doesn't have a name, address or phone and doesn't know where they are during the day either.
No one in the family does. No one....
I can call my daughter anytime just like I did last Wed. and ask her if the kids can spend the weekend with me. There is never a problem with me getting them. Never.

**misstjohn1** · January-10-10, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by Blueidone

As a grandmother who has reported suspected abuse I can tell you the following:

In the State of Michigan, grandparents have NO rights whatsoever. Even if you have LIVED with the children and helped to raise them. CPS is grossly understaffed and uncaring unless something tragic happens.

I made such a report. The CPS worker went to the house, talked to the mother of the children, believed every word she said. The worker also sent to the school, but because the older child was a great student and very well behaved at school, no one there had any problem. But the school had no idea what was going on in the home. So what was the outcome? I got a stern talking-to by the worker for making "false" allegations. There was food in the house, a roof over their head and the children appeared healthy, so what's to worry? Nevermind the fact the one of the children is asthmatic and 4 adults were smoking in the household when the mother had been told that the child should not even be ANYWHERE that there is cigar or cigarette smoke. Nevermind the fact that on any given day 4-8 young adult males were hanging out in a home with a 10 yr old female child with no other adult supervision present. Nevermind the fact that the only "dinner" the kids received most of the time was a $5 pizza from Little Caesar's. Nevermind the fact that an uncle who was addicted to drugs was living in the home as well. Nevermind the fact that the mother was picking up men off the internet and bringing them into the house constantly. It's ok...they have food and a roof.

If it were me, suspecting a babysitter in this case, I would, or have someone else, follow them from home to the sitter's to find out exactly where they are. Then check with the State or City to make sure they are a licensed day-care. If so, report them to the licensing board. If not, and it's just a friend, then I would confront the mother of the children with the fact that you KNOW where they are and if anything additional happens, you will report it to CPS and/or the police. Do you know who the children's doctor is, if they have one? The doctor can't talk to you about them, but you can talk to the doctor. Tell him/her what you know and ask him/her to report anything he might see.

You need to be an active advocate for your grandchildren, but recognize that you may not get anywhere until something terrible happens.

Great idea with waiting on her to go to work and then follow her. That's exactly what I'm going to do. Thank You

**CountrySquire** · January-11-10, 10:21 AM

Yeah I'd call CPS. Nothing will probably come of it as there are so many conflicting stories, but it will serve the purpose of letting mom know that people are watching her and she had better clean up her act.

**Downtown Lady** · January-11-10, 11:17 AM

Hi Misstjohn1,

Would the children's father be reasonable if you approached him instead?

**misstjohn1** · January-11-10, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by Downtown Lady

Hi Misstjohn1,

Would the children's father be reasonable if you approached him instead?

The father is not in the picture as she keeps him away too.

**CountrySquire** · January-11-10, 02:12 PM

Is your daughter still friends with people you / she has known since childhood? Maybe you can call them and implore them to talk some sense into her.

**sumas** · January-12-10, 07:57 AM

A couple of thoughts: Many years ago, my aunt had a neighbor who would put their baby out in the yard in a play pen for hours at a time. No shade. That poor baby would cry and carry on. I think my aunt still feels guilty. That was the fifties. Her only excuse was at that time neighbors minded their own business. She did say in the current climate of PC, she would have called someone in a heartbeat.

I do caution you to be careful in what avenues to pursue. Definately do what you need to to protect them. I have a niece who is mentally unstable, two wonderful children. She was not abusive in the common sense, quite the reverse. She lost custody and now we rarely see them. We baby sat and saw them almost daily. I miss them and their presence a lot.

Once they found a dieing baby squirrel. They brought it to me. It died. We had a funeral. We buried it and even sang, Amazing Grace. Kind of funny since I am not very religious. Now if we are lucky we see them about once a year.