Lodgedodger I need to talk

[sumas]

I am going to engage in one last pity party then pull myself together.

Mom was ill and had a dr appointment for the following day. An elderly friend was also ill and in need. My husband stayed with Mom and I went to MJ's house. I spent the night on the floor next to her couch holding her hand while she cried in pain. Made a drs appointment for MJ [[she doesn't drive) Also called a senior advocate group who promised to check on her. Had to leave for mom's appointment. My mothers doctor said go to ER, the social worker convinced MJ to go to ER. So Mom and MJ were both in ER at the same time.

Both are home now after a week. MJ has an old house with wooden steps. We applied friction strips on her stairs this summer. We worried about the wood porch however so today we took a mat for the wood porch leading to her front door. [[She get meals on wheels) and we didn't want slip and fall type accidents. I visited with her and my husband did her dishes and some clean up. Then we find out that this crazy neighbor of MJ's called the social worker to tell her what rotten people we are. Frankly I was a little shocked. Shouldn't be hurt but I am. That social worker and our call saved MJ's life.

We scheduled a follow up visit for Mom with her primary. We want Mom to lead as normal of a life as she can while she can. She is quite religious and most activities revolve around her church. By general agreement mom doesn't drive now so we chauffeur her and her friends. My sister changes the appointment and screws everything up.

Told you that I needed a small pity party. We feel we are doing a lot to accomadate many people but in the process I feel like we are being shit on. So many other things bad happened this week but I am starting to bore even myself.

Thanks for letting me unburden. I have promised myself to lighten up and take a new attitude. Really, really appreciate everyones kind thoughts. Tomorrow I will be me again with a more positive outlook.

[gazhekwe]

Sumas, that is a bummer. I put up a Grandfather story last night that is about just such a situation. I hope it helps. Good works are their own reward.

[Maof]

sumas, most important, you need your rest. try and relax and sleep at night. if your not sleeping through the night, try to get a little cat nap in the afternoon. you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. you will wear yourself thin.

[LodgeDodger]

Sumas, I have much to tell you, but now is the perfect time for Hospice to be called. Please call them today.

And I was banned. I was just reinstated this week.

I'll write more later.

[oldredfordette]

sumas, you need to give yourself the space to grieve, it is not a pity party. If you don't vent you will blow. Bless you and good luck.

[Lferg]

Sumas,

I'll keep you and your family [[including MJ) in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine being in your shoes, but I did lose my Grandmother to cancer and we were very close. For me, I found comfort in the time spent together and the words that were never left unsaid.

[cman710]

Sumas, I am so sorry to hear this news. I wish you the best as you move forward with your mom, and you will be in all our thoughts.

Lodgedodger, welcome back. We are glad to have you with us again.

[reddog289]

I myself lost my Father at a young age to brain cancer. For the most part he was the same awnry man he'd allways been till about the last six months.He went to hospice the day before he passed. I have seen my Mother go through what Sumas is going through, taking care of my Father and later my Grandmother and I know it isn't easy. All I can say is God Bless you Sumas for doing this double duty. Its hard going through this.

[sumas]

LD, I am shocked, please do share your story because it is outrageous. You have been a consistant voice of sanity on this board.

I am stressing but trying to relax. Sad to say but have been drinking a bit too much in the evening. I think I have talked to myself and realize that does no good.

We have been with Mom for I think 4 yrs now. Things that she did for herself, I can longer count on.

[sumas]

Sorry for the split post but the board, now times out and I think too long and too hard about what I want to say.

Family dynamics are quite interesting now. A lot seems to revolve around money and estate issues. She isn't dead yet for Christ's sake!

Here is a short sample: I talk to sister #1, I am angry with her, She talks to sister #2 and tells her I am am angry at her. Sister #2 and I talk and agree we have no issues. Brother is caught in the short hairs and is rather clueless.

Sister #2 takes Mom to a new Oncologist, don't know the results yet.

[Ravine]

Sumas, I think you should heed the advice of the person with whom you seemed so desperate to communicate, and contact a hospice program. It doesn't have to equate to "I've decided to throw in the towel, and to stick her in Shady Pines." That's not it, at all, and it doesn't have to be anything like that, but perhaps even more to the point, right now, is that you need some qualified counsel, and you're not likely to find much of that here in Lowellville, despite the fact that, obviously, numerous DY! citizens are sympathetic and have encouraged you to vent herein.
And, I'm not going to hit you with any dollar-store homilies about [[by your own admission) drinking more than you think you should be. Why the hell wouldn't you be drinking a bit more than usual? But still, again: a sign that you need some assistance in dealing with your grievous situation.

So do like Lodgedodger told you to do. You called; she answered. She's right, and I think you probably know that she's right. So stop fucking around, and make a call.

[Maof]

ah yes, dukin' it out with the siblings. happens all the time during stressful situations. believe me, i've been there. i had two sisters that argued in front of mom in the hospital room and as sick as she was, she put them in their place! just do what you have to do for mom and as i said before, you need your rest or you will be worth shit.

[sumas]

Ravine, you are right I will call today. Stress is eating me up. Yesterday my husband and I went shopping. Bought and put together a Christmas Eve dinner for an elder ailing friend. A spiral sliced ham, a cheese potato casserole, a fruit salad, green bean casserole and a desert and more. Gave this largesse to a mutual friend to deliver. I feel guilty that I won't be there for her. Obviously, I must be losing it. It just isn't logical to feel guilty over a small gift of love. Worse, I worry it will not get delivered and worry I will not get my dishes back. I am on a silly hamster treadmill and need to get off.

Thank you also for a good laugh... Lowellville is hilarious!

Laughter aside, I do appreciate advice and support from all who post.

[gazhekwe]

If there are estate issues and the possibility of skilled care in the future, you and your family might benefit from the services of an elder law attorney. I do hope you have both powers of attorney so you can deal with the issues as your mom loses the ability to do for herself. If not, act ASAP to get them.

[sumas]

Good advice Gaz but sister #2 is an attorney and holds all the cards. I trust her but no one really gets what is going on. I did talk to hospice and we have a meeting set for monday. They were very considerate and asked where to meet, I suggested my friends house who is fourth stage cancer. No pun intended but "kill two birds with one stone" comes to mind.

In later years, Mom started hiding valuables which I always reported locations faithfully. Some hidy holes are pretty clever. She doesn't remember the spots so everytime she asks I know she'll move them again. I wait, I watch, I report.

Frankly when Mom is gone, I am so out of here. I just could not stand to be here witnessing the bitching over what really is just stuff. I am not noble, just not greedy.

Mom really is a great lady. I have put my life on hold for four years now for her. No doubt my ego has taken a bruising with all the family swarming. I'll get over it. In the mean time she is enjoying the attention she gets from all. Too sweet really, except I smell vultures.

[sumas]

Dear Ravine, sometimes words and thoughts can be self fullfilling. Our "friend" who was supposed to deliver Xmas day dinner, called our friend who was supposed to be the recipient and informed her that he would deliver a plate of food to her xmas eve. When MJ called today she was upset that things got moved to Xmas eve not Xmas day. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she is being double cheated. We will visit her xmas day now empty handed. We prepared a feast and she'll get a plate?

The SOB that is cheating her out of food, company and a happy memory, reads the board. I hope he sees that I think he is a hugh cheat! I am not confrontational at all so do not suggest I try for resolution.

I do do pay backs however.

Sorry totally off thread except for the fact we take care of so many ill or elderly people. Sunday we visit two friends who do so much in the elder community, any little thing we do pales in comparision. My hat goes off to them!

[LodgeDodger]

Sumas? What is the latest? I keep pushing Hospice [[really hard) because once they're there, everything will fall into place for you.

[sumas]

Met with Hospice today. They are a great organization. I appreciate knowing that they will be there for me in my efforts to assist Mom.

Thursday she goes to see a new oncologist. Looks like we will go for radiation. Hopefully, this will resolve her confusion. 5 days a week for five weeks. Small investment to get my Mom back.

[gazhekwe]

That will be hard. I hope the results will be wonderful. I will keep you and Mom in my thoughts and prayers.

[LodgeDodger]

Thank God! You've finally called in Hospice. I cannot tell you just how important it was for you to take that step. Many feel Hospice should only be called in at the very end of a person's life. This isn't true. Calling in Hospice when the diagnosis is made is crucial. You and your family will get to know the Hospice people. You will know what is available to you and your Mother. Most importantly, they can assess which services are needed for your family.

My Mother seemed to be at the "beginning" of the Hospice process, but I'm so thankful I called them in as soon as the doctor suggested. Mother got to know the nurses, the social worker, and the health care aides. It was helpful to me to get to know them, too. Afterall, I was a bit weirded out about the possiblity of complete strangers coming into my home--sometimes when I wouldn't be there.

Sumas, make sure you take their advice and make use of whatever it is they offer. If your Mother doesn't mind a hospital bed, make sure you get one delivered as soon as you can. Same with oxygen, okay?

Now for the list of things you need to pick up for your Mother. By no means am I an expert, but there are some things you should have on hand:

[[Generally, I hate WalMart, but the day Mother entered Hospice, it was the fastest drive for me to pick up everything needed in one place.)

10 [[or more) flat sheets [[WalMart sells them for about $3 per sheet)
waterproof mattress cover
cough syrup
an electric fan
personal lubricant
tissue [[at least two boxes)
Cup-A-Soup
Snap robes [[the thin, cheap type)
footies
three or four thin blankets
comfy chair
small bottles of water
washcloths [[at least a dozen)
television
peppermint hard candy
moisturizing lotion
Johnson's baby wash for hair and body
baby monitor

There were a couple of days I went through every sheet in the house--even after running the washer/dryer continuously.

The personal lubricant sounds like a creepy list item, but people on oxygen always complain about the inside of their noses drying out. Using Vaseline is not recommended, as it can be flammable. The lubricant is excellent for keeping the patient's nose from drying out.

At the end, the patient can run a fever. I ran a fan in Mother's room [[pointed at the ceiling) to keep air moving and to cool things down a bit.

I have some items at my house I can give/loan to you, let me know when you are available to meet.

Hospice will supply those blue pads that can contain a spill/leak.
Ask Hospice for those sponge-tipped oral mouth cleaners
Hospice will supply diapers

Limit visitors--your Mother is dying. You don't need to entertain visitors. Visitors shouldn't stay longer than 20 minutes. If they do, they should be prepared to pitch in and help.

People with an axe to grind [[or who would like to get something off their chest) shouldn't be allowed to visit. We had a visitor who felt this was an opportunity to tell Mother how she felt about Mother's treatment of her. Had I known this visitor had this in mind, she wouldn't have been allowed in. As it was, betterhalf and I moved her out of the house in a split-second. She's lucky I didn't break her neck. It took hours to calm Mother. I really think it contributed to Mother's quick decline.

Okay, this is what I've come up with thus far.

[sumas]

LD thank you so much for understanding. This is my Mom and it is hard to deal with this illness. My sister will be here today to set up new treatments, new doctors. I am always vaguely surprised that my family doesn't seem to think we can do for her, like they can. Perhaps they are right but I doubt it.

My brother who has five kids has been a real star. My niece and her boyfriend too have been amazing support. In times of stress and duress it is always interesting to note who is really there!

[gazhekwe]

Definitely celebrate your family's support in any way it is given. You need the backup and your mom will love the attention. It isn't so much that they think you can't do it, they need a part in it too.

I could have flipped for joy when my sister lost her job and came to stay. She basically took over the day-to-day mom attention. In fact she kind of muscled me to the side. She was much better at it and spent a lot more time with mom than I would have. In the last few weeks she stayed with mom 24/7. I continued my usual routines and visits, but it was so much easier, and I still had time for my family. Sis had not been around for at least 30 years, except for short visits and phone calls, so this gave them a great opportunity to connect, and it gave me a much needed break.

[LodgeDodger]

Gaz, your sister's layoff was both a curse and a blessing. In spite of the layoff, I bet she was thankful to have had the opportunity to care for your Mother.

I was very lucky and I'll never forget it. My husband helped me to prepare Mother's room. He welcomed her into our home with open arms and helped me in any way he could. He was always there for me--even during those moments I thought I was a terrible caregiver and didn't have the knowledge/expertise to care for her properly. He would always tell me in a calm voice that my care was better than any hospital could provide. Afterward, I would agree, but at that moment, I always doubted my abilities.

I am also very thankful for my workplace. When they learned Mother was in hospice and we'd taken her into our home, I received nothing but positive support. My co-workers picked up the slack while I was out. I couldn't have had a better support system at that time.

Use your support system, Sumas. They are everything.

[sumas]

Thanks all, the oncololgist suggests a new radiation treatment. My sisters and I agree that radiation is an option, Mom wants to talk to my brother. I told her she is already out voted.

Sadly, my husband and I still smoke, we roll our own. My husband went to the store and bought tobacco. Mom still thinks he smuggled pork chops upstairs. It would be funny but it is really too sad. She is going backwards into her life too fast.

We take care of so many that sometimes I think my life is a blurr. I really really appreciate support given here.

Took Mom today to visit a friend of hers in a nursing home.Very depressing. She is paying $5,000 a month for zippo service.For that kind of money I think they could have at least called to say we were there to visit. No dice!

Thanks again for wonderful support. Who would have guessed that Mom could go downhill so fast.

I send love and gratitude to all.

[Ravine]

Sumas:

I'm glad to hear that you called a program, and I'm sorry to hear that things are going so rough. I'm now realizing that, alongside of my other various remarks, I did not extend, to you, my sympathy for your plight. Best wishes to you & yours.