Detroit's Worst Troll: Could It Be Curbed Detroit's "D. Brandon?"

[swingline]

While perusing a Curbed Detroit article about a nice new listing in Indian Village http://detroit.curbed.com/archives/2...imaginable.php, I scrolled to the comments and came across a Hall of Fame-worthy troll posting by “D. Brandon.” Here it is with its condescension unedited:

@walker-d: The difference of course is that Seattle is an educated, booming city. Detroit is rotten with little data to suggest it's ever going to see this uptick the hollow hype promises. Anyone who settles in Detroit is stunting their professional and social prospects. Further, the true cost of ownership in Detroit is far greater than any asking price would suggest. The highest crime in the nation, the highest property taxes, highest auto insurance, the worst schools, a bear real estate market, brain drain, etc. It's no way to live, and anyone with better options takes them. The people left in SE Michigan are desperate or too dull to get out. It's the antithesis of a mecca of ambition and creativity and intelligence, which is how I'd characterize Seattle, NYC, Portland, SF, DC, Chicago, Austin, Nashville and Boston.

Given the post’s over-the-top ugliness, my first thought was that no one could be that much of an asshole, and that D. Brandon was just clumsily attempting to have a little fun with previous commenters who were extolling the virtues of a lovely turn-key Detroit home. A review of D. Brandon’s earlier posts to Curbed [[http://detroit.curbed.com/users/154111) quickly quashed that notion. Each of the guy’s [[yes, I’m assuming it’s a guy) six posts since he registered on November 1 either bash Detroit sledgehammer-like or are disapprovingly negative toward the subject Curbed post.

My thoughts then ventured to wondering about D. Brandon the person and how amazingly intolerable he must be in real life. Or is he perhaps a closet jerk. If he has friends, are they like him? Is he married? Could his wife be as big of an asshole or does she perhaps suffer his douc.. baggery silently? Was he such a dick as a child? A dude like this is so toxic, what kind of interpersonal havoc must he wreak on family, friends and co-workers? Not sure why, but for some reason I find it fascinating to observe D. Brandon’s narcissism and uncontrollable need to advise Detroiters how much they suck.

And sadly, social media gives a ready pulpit to the kind of ugliness proudly espoused by D. Brandon. These kinds of attitudes underpin the divisive political climates in Lansing and Washington DC.

Is D. Brandon Detroit’s worst troll? Anybody have other contenders?

[iheartthed]

No, he isn't.

But really, who cares what the haters think?

[G-DDT]

First off, I have little right to speak, since I tend to trash suburbs all the time. The man is entitled to his [[uneducated or inexperienced) opinion. I found cities that were extolled in magazines as being the "best place to live" were in fact, as I found personally, the worst [[ie. Bloomington, Il. and I have many who will back me on that one). If he wants to trash Detroit [[instead of intricately picking apart the aspects that bother him most), he is on the wrong site to air his destructive diatribe.
Detroit is far from perfect, but as far as ambition, we are born wildmen survivors, our struggle makes us far more creative than any city that coddles itself well [[is this critic a true in-depth participant in the various non-mainstream cutting edge art scenes in the D?), and we crave and value knowledge and intelligence greatly here but are denied it by higher ups who close down schools, mismanage their position, and let school supplies rot in a burnt out Maroun warehouse where a "human popsicle" was found [[compare that to all of the pump pieces I see for Chicago where they get state-of-the-art schools, and it still doesn't diminish the drop-out rate of all those bullheaded, arrogant kids who have it drummed into them to have a macho gangsta shoot out and "not to become an F-n' noid."). Detroit is an easy target for those who have little to boast themselves: Kevin Orr, L. Brooks, and the former mayor of Boston, "Mumbles" Menino....which brings me to-how his examples are any better? If I wanted to I could go into how D.C. is a dangerous haven for violent crackheads. Ever had a rat jump on you in N.Y.C., or see an open pogrom attack on your faith, or see how rent and parking is there? Think Chicago is safe and free from segregative racism and gang activity [[in fact, it wasn't just the Cambrini Green close-out that sent thousands scattering in all directions-if folks really loved Chi-town that much I wouldn't have run into so many recently transplanted Chicago-ans on the road in central Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, etc. How's that for taking better options?)? Boston? BOSTON?! don't get me started on that phoney "libro-crite" [[and I say this as a leftist activist disappointed by "liberals" who were nothing of the sort there) city I lived in for a year and a half. You can't go by a place by how shiny and developed it is or how many Trader Joe's it has. You look at the soul of the people [[especially when you see how they genuinely feel about their lowest common denominator with their caste systems and their drug em' up on Commonwealth Health Care/Duel Diagnosis through M.I.T./Military-Industrial Complex Pharmo-concerns-good helath care? see how that helps you when you got a kidney stone...); what I saw is what Solzhenitsyn decried Russia about "forgetting their God". Bunch of rude, intrusive, self-deluded [[lots of insanity and selfish erotomania), self-absorbed, spoiled [[remember the kid and his dad who kidnapped "Ted"-true Massachusetts all the way), persons who wouldn't know good, cheap food if it hit them square in the face. Granted the haircuts I got were nice, and the books I acquired in Cambridge [[good luck finding many African or Latino Americans around M.I.T. or Harvard-give me U-Mass in Dorchester any day, thank you very much) were plentiful, but good luck trafficking around those people [[on foot or behind the wheel)....and communication? that's key. Try and talk to those folks there. It's not cute, innocuous eccentricity, they are deluded nutjobs [[blockheads harassing you on one side and 2-faced passive aggressive weasels and squirrels on the other) who fracture every rule of conversation. They haven't seen true violence on their doorstep, and that's why it was all the more disheartening to see their young [[video-game-minded) activists crave it so much.
Well, thanks now! Instead of doing a constructive comparative, I turned into an anti-Boston troll, thanks a big turd-heap, D. Brandon!

[canuck]

What a great post! Thanks for the beantown description. Whatever one can do to bruise them Bruins fans, please do.
Kidding. I do enjoy a funny, entertaining post like this more than the data-driven ones.

[nain rouge]

The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Metros

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She lived at the edge of Gaylord with her family. One morning, while she was picking flowers, Goldilocks decided she wanted to move to a big city. She was very frightened, but then she saw a friendly little airport in the distance.

The friendly little airport went to three major metros. One was a great big New York, one was a middle-sized Houston, and one was a tiny little Detroit.

Goldilocks came into the airport very quietly. The first thing she did was buy three airplane tickets. “I sure wish I could participate in the creative economy,” Goldilocks said. “I’ll just take a quick trip.”

First, she tried a living in New York’s great big city. “OW!” she yelled. “TOO CROWDED! TOO EXPENSIVE! A RAT JUMPED ON ME!”

Next, she tried living in Houston's medium-sized city. “TOO HOT!” she complained. "TOO CONSERVATIVE! TOO MUCH SPRAWL! TOO MUCH TRAFFIC!!"

Finally, Goldilocks tried living in Detroit’s tiny little city. “YUMMY!” she cried. “NOT TOO FANCY. NOT TOO EXPENSIVE. NOT TOO BIG. JUST RIGHT!”

Just then, the three stray dogs returned home from their walk. They saw Goldilocks renovating their house and were very surprised. “Who’s been renovating my house?” asked Papa Dog.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” asked Mama Dog.

The Baby Dog screamed. He chased after Goldilocks.

She was so frightened that she jumped out of the yard, ran to her car, and raced through the forest until she heard her mother’s voice. Goldilocks was so happy to see her mother that she promised to never wander to the big city again.

[sumas]

No, he isn't.

But really, who cares what the haters think?

Taken me a while to adjust to Detroit "advisory dictum posters" but so true. Haters are quite lame and give advice that is rather silly. Arm chair prognosticators are quite uneducated. Which idiot that seem to follow my posts closely should I name. Wouldn't give them the time of day in person. Won't bother on line either.

[ABetterDetroit]

Forget if was a philosopher or a famous writer, great general...anyway

"And the haters are gonna hate, hate, hate"

[Gpwrangler]

While perusing a Curbed Detroit article about a nice new listing in Indian Village http://detroit.curbed.com/archives/2...imaginable.php, I scrolled to the comments and came across a Hall of Fame-worthy troll posting by “D. Brandon.” Here it is with its condescension unedited:




Given the post’s over-the-top ugliness, my first thought was that no one could be that much of an asshole, and that D. Brandon was just clumsily attempting to have a little fun with previous commenters who were extolling the virtues of a lovely turn-key Detroit home. A review of D. Brandon’s earlier posts to Curbed [[http://detroit.curbed.com/users/154111) quickly quashed that notion. Each of the guy’s [[yes, I’m assuming it’s a guy) six posts since he registered on November 1 either bash Detroit sledgehammer-like or are disapprovingly negative toward the subject Curbed post.

My thoughts then ventured to wondering about D. Brandon the person and how amazingly intolerable he must be in real life. Or is he perhaps a closet jerk. If he has friends, are they like him? Is he married? Could his wife be as big of an asshole or does she perhaps suffer his douc.. baggery silently? Was he such a dick as a child? A dude like this is so toxic, what kind of interpersonal havoc must he wreak on family, friends and co-workers? Not sure why, but for some reason I find it fascinating to observe D. Brandon’s narcissism and uncontrollable need to advise Detroiters how much they suck.

And sadly, social media gives a ready pulpit to the kind of ugliness proudly espoused by D. Brandon. These kinds of attitudes underpin the divisive political climates in Lansing and Washington DC.

Is D. Brandon Detroit’s worst troll? Anybody have other contenders?

Probably lives in his mom's basement, eats tofu and drives a Prius. His wife has a badass Detroit dude on the side.

Seattle...phphphphphph!

[canuck]

Probably lives in his mom's basement, eats tofu and drives a Prius. His wife has a badass Detroit dude on the side.

Seattle...phphphphphph!

He smokes cardamom flavored e-cigs, plays table football and recites old Rod Stewart songs as poetry. His bad cholesterol count is low but his handgun collection is to kill for. Portland...

[Hypestyles]

The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Metros

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She lived at the edge of Gaylord with her family. One morning, while she was picking flowers, Goldilocks decided she wanted to move to a big city. She was very frightened, but then she saw a friendly litairport in the distance.

The friendly little airport went to three major metros. One was a great big New York, one was a middle-sized Houston, and one was a tiny little Detroit.

Goldilocks came into the airport very quietly. The first thing she did was buy three airplane tickets. “I sure wish I could participate in the creative economy,” Goldilocks said. “I’ll just take a quick trip.”

First, she tried a living in New York’s great big city. “OW!” she yelled. “TOO CROWDED! TOO EXPENSIVE! A RAT JUMPED ON ME!”

Next, she tried living in Houston's medium-sized city. “TOO HOT!” she complained. "TOO CONSERVATIVE! TOO MUCH SPRAWL! TOO MUCH TRAFFIC!!"

Finally, Goldilocks tried living in Detroit’s tiny little city. “YUMMY!” she cried. “NOT TOO FANCY. NOT TOO EXPENSIVE. NOT TOO BIG. JUST RIGHT!”

Just then, the three stray dogs returned home from their walk. They saw Goldilocks renovating their house and were very surprised. “Who’s been renovating my house?” asked Papa Dog.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” asked Mama Dog.

The Baby Dog screamed. He chased after Goldilocks.

She was so frightened that she jumped out of the yard, ran to her car, and raced through the forest until she heard her mother’s voice. Goldilocks was so happy to see her mother that she promised to never wander to the big city again.

as far as allegories go, intriguing and severely depressing at the same time..

[1953]

I hear you sayin', "Hey, the city's alright"
When you only read about it in books
Spend all your money gettin' so convinced
That you never even bother to look

[sumas]

the city is troubled. Residents care deeply and work hard to address issues, We look deep and hard. Your little chant means nothing if you are involved in Detroit issues do something. don't write. just DO!

[compn]

boston? seriously? no. take boston off that list.

replace it with miami maybe?