Dog Rules Manifesto - How dogs mess with your head

[Jingles in Boofland]

I found this back in the '90s here: http://www.badpets.net/DogHumor/DogRules.html

If you have a dog I think you'll be able to relate - Some of this stuff is dead on and downright hilarious - Every dog I've had had one or more of these traits - The dog I have now has several of them - How about you?

Daily Routine

The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else. I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II. Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
   
   1. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
   2. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
   
   
5. Recreation and Leisure
   
   1. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know. a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it. b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
   2. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
   
   
6. Health
   
   1. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
   
   

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. [[Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. [[Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. [[Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Things We Can Learn From A Dog

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
14. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
15. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ...run right back and make friends.
19. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

[gazhekwe]

1. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

This is the one, all right!

[Ray1936]

Dogs understand about 110 words. Cats understand 340, but they ignore 330 of them.

[Bigb23]

Dogs understand about 110 words. Cats understand 340, but they ignore 330 of them.

Good one Ray, I've had a few cats, but I always wanted a dog. But I would only get one if I could only offer all the space and potential it would need to be a dog.

I had a dog about 40 years ago, so I'm not a newbie.

[Ray1936]

I've had a few [[wonderful) dogs in my day, but i'd only take one now if it would use a litter box.

[Bigb23]

I've had a few [[wonderful) dogs in my day, but i'd only take one now if it would use a litter box.

Pocket dog Ray - talk with Paris Hilton. You need a shakey, barking, needy, piece of fur. Or not. I'll wait for a Jack Russell. I just like the name, and they are work dogs.

[Trumpeteer]

#20. Lick your owners eyes first thing in the morning until they wake up!

[HomerStreet]

Another classic. Make sure to read the last 2 lines!

How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.
How to give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap in cheese, toss to dog.

[jackie5275]

1. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. [[Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

1. This describes my dogs to a tee.

[jiminnm]

Someone sent me this a few years ago. It seems accurate [[at least from a cat owner's perspective).


A Dog’s Diary


8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favorite!


A Cat’s Diary


Day 311 Of Captivity.


My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.”
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. . . .

[Django]

I love how a dogs nose works, it's olfactory senses. You take them for a walk and they mainly want to sniff everything in sight. It took me a few years to realize that the walk is not so important as the sniffing. Walking around the block sniffing everything that sticks out of the ground is like a dogs gossip column, they can sniff a fire hydrant and tell who's pregger's, who's in heat, which hood dogs have been here an hour ago and which were there 4 hours ago. A dog sniffing his hood is like us watching TMZ, gossiping over the fence with a neighbor, catching a movie, or reading the newspaper, when you walk your dog, remember, its their time, let them do what they want with it. I always hate seeing a human dragging a dog away from a lamp post which obviously had very important news peed on it.

[CountrySquire]

1. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

That's Cally! Also need to add the limping on three legs for no reason when at activities where lots of people are or panting like one is dying of thirst when out where people are in the summer only to not drink water when offered it.