Anyone have a funny joke?

[rjk]

Let's hear it, I could use a good laugh.

[Johnnny5]

What's red and smells like blue paint?






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Red paint!

Sorry, but I'm horrible at remembering jokes. =)

[Detroitnerd]

A Jew, a Polack and a black guy walk into a bar together. The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

[Buy American]

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionally.."That was my pager" she said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished talking she explained "That was my cell phone, I have a microchip in my hand".

The senior citizen, feeling very low-tech and not to be outdone decided she had to do something just as impressive.

She stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said..."well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!".

[Whitehouse]

Bungee Prank.

[Wingnatic]

'' I'm getting a fax '' lol !

The Buttercups Joke
Towards the end of his golf round, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter
for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never
have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!

Then POOF... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back,....."DON'T SWING, WHATEVER YOU DO,....DON'T SWING"

Jimmy Flynn comedien from Newfoundland

[gazhekwe]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

[GUSHI]

A man picks up his lovely date at her parents home, then takes her to a fancy restaurant. She orders the most expensive item on the menu. The man pissed ask, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?" "No," she replies, "But my mother is ot expecting a blow job." The man asks her if she want dessert.

[ptero]

Yesterday, I checked into a motel room and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Bigb23]

I used to be funny - now I just copy and paste.

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. [[It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. [[The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[bartock]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”






The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[Downriviera]

I told my son, "Eat all your meat and you'll grow up to be just like your dad". Now he's a vegetarian. Rodney Dangerfield

[TKshreve]

A waiter greets a table of two children, their parents and an old lady who is presumably the grandmother of the family. After the pleasantries have been handled, the family is ready to order. The waiter makes his way around the table, and when at last he comes to the old lady, she says:

"I would like some peas" [[in an old lady voice)

"I'm sorry ma'am, peas are not available tonight. I'll come back in a minute after you have reconsidered."

The waiter follows through with his word and returns to the table.

"And have you decided Miss?"

"I would like a plate of peas....... please."

"Again Ma'am, we do not have peas on the menu this evening. We literally do not have a pea in the house. Please take a brief moment to look over our menu, and we can get you going on dinner."

His tone has ever so slightly shifted, and during his diplomatic explanation of the situation, all glares towards her family are met with shrugs and sighs, little to his relief. He takes a lap around the floor and quickly returns to get this task behind him.

"And Miss, have you finally decided on something we have tonight."

She painstakingly looks up to the waiter and says:

"I would like a large plate of peas....... please."

"LOOK LADY! What do you get when you take the apples out of applesauce??!!??"

"Why..... why you get sauce without apples. Right?"

"And what do you get when you take the sugar out of cookies???!!!!??!?!"

"Well, you get cookies without sugar I guess."

"And Lady, pay close attention to this one! What do you get when you take the fuck out of peas???!!??"

She thinks.

"Why....... there's no fuck in peas to my knowledge"

"THAT'S RIGHT LADY! THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' PEAS. GOT IT???!!!"

[HistoryNotHisStory]

What do they call a Pastor in Germany?










A German Shepherd.

[Bigb23]

A father takes his son to the zoo. When they are in front of the Elephant pen, his son says "daddy what is that long thing hanging down there?" That's the Elephants tail the father replies. No no over there, the son says. That's the Elephants trunk, the father replies. No no right there in the middle, says the kid. That's the Elephants penis says the dad.
How come when I ask mom, she says it's nothing?

Well son, you have to understand your mother is spoiled.

[Bigb23]

Does anybody remember the "Sex to Sixty" magazines from the Vietnam era ? They were the top joke mags of there time. I wish I still had them.

[Gistok]

Well, this one is a little more riske... but....
_____________________

There was a bus full of Catholic School Girls on an outing on a bus... and the bus goes over the cliff.... and everyone aboard dies.....

So they're all lined up at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter is there to let them into heaven....

St. Peter asks the first girl... "Barbara.... have you ever touched a penis?"
"Yes St. Peter, with my finger once" Barbara replies.....
St. Peter then tells Barbara to dip her finger in the Holy Water and then go thru the Pearly Gates....

St. Peter then asks the next girl.... "Anne.... have you ever touched a penis?"
"Yes St. Peter, with my hand once" Anne repies....
St. Peter then tells Anne to dip her hand in the Holy Water and then go thru the Pearly Gates....

Suddenly there's a commotion in the back of the line of girls, and one comes storming towards St. Peter....

"What is it Catherine?" St. Peter asks....

Catherine says "St. Peter... is it OK if I gargle with the Holy Water before Mary-Margaret sticks her butt into it?".

[coracle]

I remember a story told some years ago by a tour bus driver at the Grand Canyon.

A group of mountain sheep were winding their way in single file along a very narrow path halfway down the shear face of the Canyon on a very foggy early morning. They were all Rams being led by a Ewe. At one point the precipitous path followed a sharp outcrop and went back on itself to the right. However all the Rams just carried straight on and one after the other plunged to their deaths on the Canyon floor. Later the authorities investigated what might have caused them to plunge to their deaths but couldn't find any logical reason. Eventually they concluded that the cause must have been that they just didn't see the ewe turn ahead of them.

[rjk]

Two senior citizens are talking about how regular they are.
One gentleman says, "Every morning I urinate with not much trouble at 7:00 and have a good bowel movement at around 8:00."
The other old guy says, "I've got you beat. Every morning I urinate and take a good dump around 6:00. The only problem is that I don't wake up until 8:00.

[Wingnatic]

Trip To Italy
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young
man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of
you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red
wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was
discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings
me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's having his
way with me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island
Ferry."

[Downriviera]

A coed doing her internship in speech therapy is having a hard time with her 3 male subjects that all stutter. Frustrated, she says ok, whoever can tell me where they were born without stuttering gets to have sex with me. The first guy steps up and says, BaBaBaBaBaBoston. He sheeplshly goes back and sits down. The second guy steps up and says, CaCaCaCaCaCleveland. He too sits back down. The third guy steps up and says, Miami. Fantastic, says the coed, who proceeds to have sex with him. Afterwards, she asks him, How did you like that. He says, BaBaBaBaBaBeach.

[Wingnatic]

I used to see this guy quite often at Bea's Comedy Kitchen , not sure if she's in business anymore or it changed hands . Live comedy so the language is alittle rough

[3WC]

A couple were sitting on the porch looking at the sunset, mostly in silence. Then the woman said, dreamily: "I love you.[[pause) I don't think I could live without you." The husband looked surprised and asked: "Is that you or the wine talking?" [[Long pause) The woman answered: "It's me talking.....[[long pause)...to the wine."

[Vox]

No joke, just this cartoon. Reminds me of the org chart for this place sometimes.

[Yooper]

Two hookers in 70's Detroit on a corner.
A cop car rolls past.
One hooker asks: Ever been picked up by da fuzz?
The other replies: No, but I been trown around by da tits!