Advice Wanted: Elderly Parent Moving In

LodgeDodger · May-24-09, 05:53 PM

After a health scare this week, it's been determined that Mother needs to come live with us [[she'll be here a year at the most). This move is something she does not want to happen. Any advice for making her move to our home an easier transition? Possible ways to make her feel welcome? Any information and advice is appreciated. Also, any advice for making this easier on betterhalf would be great, too. I've already determined my husband is a saint.

**EMG** · May-24-09, 06:03 PM

Remember the old Biblical adage: we leave our father and mother and cleave to our spouse. Never give Betterhalf any reason to doubt that no matter what, he still comes first.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't continue to realize that sacrifice [[often much sacrifice) is going to be necessary. But whenever and wherever possible, when that happens, find ways to make it up to him. After all, if he's a "saint," he deserves it! Plenty of praise, plenty of tender loving care, plenty of making time for him.

That said, take time for yourself too. Enlist Betterhalf to share the load with you, so that you each have free downtime on your own - you will need it.

As for Mother, here, again, enlist Betterhalf - his words and actions are probably going to be even more important than yours in going a long way to helping her feel welcome. You're already her daughter - but she's spent a lot less time as a part of his life.

You and Betterhalf are both going to have moments when one or the other or both of you will want to climb the walls as minor aggravations and the loss of conveniences not to mention privacy to which you have grown accustomed build up - but when that happens make every effort to support each other as a team - in private, to avoid blowing up in front of Mother. As long as you approach this as a team effort and support each other, you will have the greatest likelihood of success.

Remind yourselves that someday Mother isn't going to be around. The inconveniences will not be forever...but the memories of this time WILL be with you for the rest of your lives. Once Mother is no longer with you, you will want to be able to look back and be happy and pleased with yourselves for the way you handled things and with what you were able to do for her - rather than guilty for things gone wrong or left undone. Look at the long range picture, and spend time together that you are going to feel good about when it's over and you're looking back from the future.

**gazhekwe** · May-24-09, 06:24 PM

Will your mom have her own room? If so, ask for her input in decorating it. Fresh new linens and pillows, and some of her favorite pictures and nick nacks. There should be a comfy chair with a table and lamp so she can sit and read or sew or just cogitate. Come to think of it she might like to bring her own bed and bedding.

As for mom-izing your home, I've had to to do it several times, their houses and my house. You can hire an OT to come in and make suggestions if you need to, but primarily, look for falling hazards, leaning hazards, and losing your balance and grabbing things hazards. Roll up and put away area rugs, chairs and tables that impede walkways, and any stuff that gets left lying around on the floor, like shoes, dog or kid toys or piles of magazines or newspapers. Drop the leaves on any dropleaf tables. Maybe have someone install a grab bar in the bath/shower area she will be using, and on any open stairways, like in the garage. I had a friend build a pipe railing in mother-in-law's garage for her open steps, and she just loves it, though she screamed blue murder while he was putting it in, drilling a hole in her wall and one in her cement floor.

I might think of more ideas, others will, too. Good luck and hugs to you, your hero hubby and your mom.

**grumpyoldlady** · May-24-09, 08:10 PM

Is your mom coming from a health care facility? If so, did she have any "relocation dementia"....where she thought she was at home or couldn't figure out where she was? If so, this could continue at your house. If not, great!

Don't know what her capabilities will be when she gets to your house, but if she is able, be prepared for her wanting to help with everything. Won't hurt to assign her some tasks that she can handle..even if it is just folding towels or matching socks or whatever.

Familiar items from her home will make her feel less like she is "out of place". If it is possible to have a TV in her room that would be nice. Or at least a radio.

Allow her to do what she is safely able to do and don't smother her. This will help minimize her feeling like she is a burden.

Ask her suggestions for some meals, and if she can help prepare them, let her, even if she can't do it in the same way you would.

That's it from me...just a few things that helped make my mother feel more at home and like a contributing household member.

**Jimaz** · May-24-09, 11:31 PM

Double handrails on every staircase. A carefully prepared medication schedule [[both consumption and reordering) is crucial for things like blood pressure medications. Find a local supplier for crutches, bedside commodes, walkers, etc.

The most important thing is to be happy, grateful. You get to help. It can be a joy.

Record the memories.

**reddog289** · May-25-09, 01:55 AM

I am glad this was posted, I myself am going through the deal with my Mom having open heart surgery about 3weeks ago. I have seen myself how she is trying to deal with this ordeal. I myself would most likely move back in with them, WHICH I get from my Mom would be like pulling teeth. We are both like old mules.My Mom has taken care of my father, my Grandparents and kept my 85yr old StepDad in check.As I myself get older I can see why older folks like one story houses.My parents live in a two story and it is almost like when my Grandmother moved in.There is also the hidden question which I myself can hear in the distance "Is Reddog doing enuff for his folks?". Dealing with one elderly parent is a chore, well two the more the merrier. I myself can say this. My 85 yr old Dad is doing better then I expected through this, and for the most part he has stopped relying on my Mom. Which in a way makes her mad cause she doesn't have to do everything now and things are still ok.Good luck Lodger and how all goes well.

**sumas** · May-25-09, 07:53 AM

Adjustments will no doubt be difficult especially if this is not what she wants. We did the reverse and moved in with Mom. Loss of privacy is the biggest problem. I also find it annoying that my brothers and sisters don't do more to help.

Two weeks ago we spent 10 hours in emergency with Mom. Everyone was mad at me cause I didn't call them. If the problem persisted and she was admitted I would have called. I did call her sister in Florida. Had I called them, no one would have come anyways.

My mother is 89, every two weeks my sister and her daughter come for dinner. My mother likes to cook for them which is fine with me since we do all the cooking on a daily basis. My big beef is that they expect to be waited on and never clear or clean the dishes. Also they take any left overs home like it's an entitlement. We were out yesterday [[day off) two sisters came for dinner and plates and pots were piled in the sink. We came home at 8 to see this mess. I took care of the dishes and my husband did the pots and pans. I also told my sisters they were "lazy fat asses". Which is true. That got them pissed.

They think we are bums who live off of my Mom. It's true, we live here rent free. We cook, we clean, we buy the groceries, we drive her and her friends, we maintain her car, the house and gardens.

We love Mom dearly, its my sibs that get under my skin. We own a home and could leave at any time. Sorry I turned this into a mini rant but I do get annoyed that no one else does anything for her.

**gazhekwe** · May-25-09, 10:59 AM

Anyone caring for elders, especially involving disputes with siblings, needs to keep track of relative expenses and services. I can't get how people thinking living with elders is such a gravy train. I guess they fondly remember the good old days before everyone left home, when Mom and Dad paid all the bills and kept everything going. You might like seeing an elder law attorney to discuss care contract. They can help you work out cost details and put them in writing for your parents and you to sign.

Once that is done, the other sibs will have nothing to fight you over. You will be asked to list all the things you pay for and take care of, and how much care is given to the elders. Housework is compensated at so much per hour, with consideration that of course, some of it you would naturally do anyway for the two of you. 24/7 availabilty is not cheap in the real world, and that can be figured in as well. And so on. Even if you do that yourself, listing your expenses related to them on one side, and theirs related to you on the other, and listing the services you perform for them, it will make it easier to figure out when push comes to shove. Good luck all of you, been there, done that.

We had my sister, who was jobless and homeless at the time, here and she helped with Mom a lot. We arranged for a care contract to compensate for her time and she was able to get some spending money that way. I could have done the same, but didn't see the need. I was happy to have my sister here to take a lot of the load.

**reddog289** · May-25-09, 11:43 PM

When I think of it my Mom raised me, That said she told me you "Don,t have to visit me everyday" deal makes me know she can deal with her deal.There are no easy answers to caring for the elderly. I might end up that way myself. I have figured out to my best judgement.There are the ones who will deal with it, the ones that can't , and the ones who will not know either which way.As long as I have a roof over me I willl be there for my folks.

**sumas** · May-26-09, 03:59 AM

Originally Posted by gazhekwe

Anyone caring for elders, especially involving disputes with siblings, needs to keep track of relative expenses and services. I can't get how people thinking living with elders is such a gravy train. I guess they fondly remember the good old days before everyone left home, when Mom and Dad paid all the bills and kept everything going. You might like seeing an elder law attorney to discuss care contract. They can help you work out cost details and put them in writing for your parents and you to sign.

Once that is done, the other sibs will have nothing to fight you over. You will be asked to list all the things you pay for and take care of, and how much care is given to the elders. Housework is compensated at so much per hour, with consideration that of course, some of it you would naturally do anyway for the two of you. 24/7 availabilty is not cheap in the real world, and that can be figured in as well. And so on. Even if you do that yourself, listing your expenses related to them on one side, and theirs related to you on the other, and listing the services you perform for them, it will make it easier to figure out when push comes to shove. Good luck all of you, been there, done that.

We had my sister, who was jobless and homeless at the time, here and she helped with Mom a lot. We arranged for a care contract to compensate for her time and she was able to get some spending money that way. I could have done the same, but didn't see the need. I was happy to have my sister here to take a lot of the load.

Thank you for understanding my problem. We do loads of work and maybe should do more. It would be nice if the family really appreciated what we do. I do have a home we could move to and when I suggested we might leave, family went ballistic. They might have to do something.

I don't care about estate or money, I would just like a little respect for what we do.

We also have a person who is very close to us, in final stages of cancer who we try to care for. Spent Memorial Monday working on his house. His family sucks too! He is rich in people, unrelated people, who care. We share the burden. So nice, unlike my shitty family.

Sometimes it is the small things that set me off. My one sister keeps buying a Boston Fern for Mom for Mother's Day. Three years ago I asked her, please don't. I work as a gardener for a living. We don't have a good spot for it and it is a hugh pain trying to keep it alive. I think she does it to annoy me.

Good Lord, I sound petty. Think twice though, before you become a care giver. It is a thankless job.

**SJ.Jet** · May-26-09, 07:15 PM

Don't know what your mother's personality is like but if it's anything like my mother's, you will need to grow a thicker skin. My mother does not live with me, YET, but even when she's just visiting, she's highly critical of all things. I hear things like: Why did you buy that brand of dish soap? You should use [[insert name of any other brand), it's better. I don't vacuum correctly, fold towels correctly, etc.

As far as family goes, my older brother moved out of state in 1982, he's been back to MI once, for my father's funeral. Whenever I have called him for advice about our mom, he says: I don't know why you call me, I'm way out here, there's nothing I can do from here. Bunch'a'BS!
Two years ago he called me to say he was in the UP, had been there for about a week, and wanted to know if I would drive my mother to Gaylord [[we live near Detroit), where he would meet us, so they could visit because "he just didn't know if he could handle driving another 500+ miles". He also said "he didn't know if he could handle driving in the city".
Although it would only have been an overnight trip [[all the time he could spare to "visit"), I told him no...

**Jimaz** · May-26-09, 08:00 PM

If there are any ambulatory problems an empathetic physical therapist can be invaluable. Sometimes major problems can be averted or corrected with some simple exercises.

I doubt this forum will give enough good advice. This forum won't replace the advice of professionals who know the specific details of the individual.

**reddog289** · May-27-09, 12:22 AM

After reading the posts on here,I am starting to remember what infighting went on when my Grandma was in need of care.For the most part everyone did their share.Funny thing how sometimes democrocy don't work.Being the only child in this deal will solve disputes but having two cousins, one who I consider an over educated air head giving me advice, don't help. My mother helped raise her also and her Mom did the same with me so it all should be a priority that the best intrest of the loved one is taken care of not a bunch of BS that goes on in these cases.

**sumas** · May-27-09, 06:42 AM

Lodge, you did'nt say how ambulatory she is. Make sure she has her own TV and phone line. Make sure she can visit her friends and have her friends over. If she is a church goer, see that she gets there. Consult on dinner menu and other items. Make sure she feels involved.

My Mom's best friend recently moved to Ann Arbor to live with family [[health issues) It has been hard on both of them. It isn't practical to drive her that far so we are looking at options. We have a small room on the first floor that I use as an office. I am thinking we could make it a bedroom so her friend can visit a few days at a time.

Good luck and enjoy your time with her. Somethings end up kinda cute. Just now, Mom knocked at the door to see if I was working today and was I ready. I am set to go. They were care givers most of their life. It doesn't end in old age. You think you're taking care of them and they think they are taking care of you. Too funny.

**eriedearie** · May-27-09, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by sumas

They were care givers most of their life. It doesn't end in old age. You think you're taking care of them and they think they are taking care of you. Too funny.

Good way to put it! Once a parent, always a parent!

**Bobl** · May-27-09, 01:29 PM

Congratulations to both of you.
Be certain that you and the "better half" have some time for breaks, even if just a few hours out for dinner or entertainment every week. Schedule it. Do it.
If family cannot help, pay a caretaker.

**Detroit_uke** · May-27-09, 02:32 PM

Hey Lodge - good for you for taking mom in...it's going to be a different world...and you'll come through with flying colors!!! You'll figure out what to do as things arise. You say that your mom is moving in for "a year at the most." You didn't say if she was coming from an apartment or a house. Either way - you should do a change of address for her. Unplug the appliances, etc. If she's moving in from a house - same thing with the appliances but get an ALARM SYSTEM installed asap. Move her tv, phone, radio into your house. Take her favorite tapes and cd's. Remember to take her address book. You'd better take her bedding and especially HER pillow...and take any pictures or do-dads she has on her night table.
Sounds like mom is under a doctor's care - find a pharmacy near your house and keep track of all the doctor's information and you'd better find a lab near you! I have to take my mom to the lab once a week [[coumadin!!!) FIND A LAWYER!!!! You will need Power of MEDICAL ATTORNEY and POWER OF ATTORNEY. Two different animals. Found a great lawyer for my mom.
Have her Social Security check direct deposited.
Of course you'll need to take mom's clothes, etc. and hopefully, her place isn't too far away you can drive over and get what you need when you need it.
Get a LARGE calender...write on it everything you have scheduled and everything mom has scheduled in different colors...that way all of you can check the calendar.
Let mom invite her friends over...yup she will complain...and if you have siblings and they happen to come over - well - they are ROYALTY...just wonderful and you will be expected to make them something to eat, serve them, and clean up...don't be shocked if mom flots them a loan...and tells you how BUSY they are!!!
Don't forget to take mom's coffee cup - things won't taste the same in YOUR cups!!!
A bar for the shower is good and we got my mom one of those snazzy shower chairs.
Start a file for all her information and don not leave any important papers at the house/apartment she is leaving.
And when you go grocery shopping - take her...because she will have her favorite things to buy...
Good luck to you!!!!

**reddog289** · May-28-09, 12:19 AM

Reading these post reminds me of things that should be done before my Mom goes home. Such as the bars in the shower and tub. Their front step is shot so I will have to replace that also, considering I don't have to build a ramp. As I said it before best of luck dealing with your situations

**Locke09** · May-28-09, 12:14 PM

So much of the success of these situations depends upon existing family relationships, between parents and their adult children and between siblings. If the relationships are not healthy to begin with, it makes things so much more difficult. If the relationships are healthy, you'll still have issues, but you'll be able to work your way though them as a family.

A parent moving in with a child might be reluctant because they fear loss of privacy, independence, routines they have become accustomed to and/or freedom. Posters have presented ideas to help ease the fears in all of these areas. I would add one additional precaution. Most people have some "rules" of their house. You might want to be prepared to relax some of those rules where your parent is concerned.

When my parents moved in with my eldest sibling, the rules of the house made my father feel like a child. When he expressed this feeling to another sibling, we got together and agreed that if the rules could not be relaxed, we would move our parents to an assisted living facility, as no one else had enough room in their house to provide them with a bedroom. Our eldest sibling explained the rationale behind the rules and we came up with ways to resolve the underlying concerns.

We also respect each other's different personalities. Those who are "domestic" come over periodically to help with cooking and cleaning. Those who are "nurturing" visit a few times a week to keep them company. Those with flexible work schedules help with transportation to the store or doctor visits. Those who are financially able help with utility bills and with ensuring our parents have everything they feel they need and anything they want that we are able to buy. We are each different, but we all agree that it is their turn to be "spoiled".

I'm primarily the money and transportation sibling. They tease me about it, but they accept that this is the role that best fits me. For those who aren't getting enough assistance from siblings, maybe you can find a role that "fits" them and then accept that this is the only role they will probably play with any consistency.

On the other hand, this thread is making me feel a little guilty and allowing me to look at things from the point of view of the primary caregiver. So, I'll try and visit more, But I'm not doing any cooking or cleaning

**eriedearie** · May-28-09, 01:28 PM

Dodger - you've started a terrific thread here. We have some very useful insight from posters that have been there done that.

As one of three daughters to aging parents, we know we will have to look after them soon. And this advice will come in handy for me when we discuss this as a family when the time comes. Right now, mom and dad are still independent and in fairly good health. But we must face reality that we will have to face the facts and deal with it in a way that is suitable for all concerned.

Our brother is out of the picture since he lives on the left coast. He always gets out of everything! - But the idea of having him supply something financially would work. Neither of us girls have ever brought that up. Thanks for the idea Locke!

**sumas** · May-28-09, 04:19 PM

Yes Erie, this is a good thread. We do a lot for my Mom but almost nothing for Hubby's Mom. She is in assisted living and like Ron's brother says, she lives like a queen. The best of everything they can offer. Thankfully, she can afford it. I do feel guilty though that we rarely call and rarely visit. The burden is all on his brother who lives close to her. Over the years she has been very good to us.

She and I were never close. In fact, when we announced our engagement, she threatened not to come to our wedding. I threatened not to invite her. We were both serious.

My husband was raised Catholic and I am not. We married in my church. She was convinced we were living in sin. She stopped that, when we had our eldest son. I pointed out to her, that her first grandchild was a bastard according to her reasoning.

We have been married now 35 years. I appreciate this thread reminding me that we need to pay more attention to her too!!!!!

LodgeDodger · May-31-09, 09:07 AM

Thank you for the great advice! I've been taking notes and I'm quite sure all the suggestions will be put to use.

Mother currently lives on her own and is incredibly independent--in spite of her illness. Her house is two miles away from ours. So, while she's not moving far, emotionally she's moving to another planet.

If you'd like an accurate descriptor of Mother, think Lyvia Soprano. Not only is she a dead-ringer physically, the personality is spot-on. Her personality can be draining on those closest to her, but over the years I've developed an immunity to it. Betterhalf makes a game out of it--"What color is the sky on Planet Mother, today?" ;-)

Mother will have her own room. It was an excellent idea to involve her in the decorating decisions. While she continues to spit and sputter about the decision to move, she did pick a paint color. I'm going to surprise her with a lovely new set of bedding. We'll be using her bed, as I believe that is important for her to have something familiar in her new "home". She'll have her television and VCR. [[Mom doesn't understand the concept of DVDs. So she'll have something that she can operate on her own. We're also adding her microwave to our kitchen. It has a dial, instead of buttons. Again, something Mother knows how to use--the buttons confuse her.

Her bedroom looks out over the backyard. I'm adding a second set of bird feeders to the backyard she'll see from her window. Mother loves birds, so this might cheer her a bit. Mother loves my gardens. If she's feeling a little better some days, she can give me some "help" in the gardens.

As far as eating, Mother hasn't been much of an eater of late. [[This was one of the first signs I knew something had changed.) She loves most of my cooking. [[I can't cook anything Italian for her. She always has a million suggestions about making it "better".) I've been cooking for her for some time. Mother can make sandwiches and simple microwave foods, but the dinners have been up to me.

Even though I know her moving in is a huge adjustment for us, it will take away a lot of worry. I've been almost crazy with it for some time. We're on a lake, so she can relax on the deck or do whatever.

My sister supports every decision. She's said it many times [[during the course of Mother's illness) that she will agree with whatever I decide. She did that when our Pop was ill too. I had to make the decisions and she abided by them all. Sis is going to be my "relief". She'll visit at least one day per week. That will give me time to spend time with betterhalf. We have a brother, but a career of drug abuse has left him in poor health and incapable of logical decision-making.

We have all the "stuff" needed for Mom's safety. I've never been a big "rug" person, so no fall potential. We renovated a bathroom a couple of years ago. At that time, I was able to incorporate some safety features into the bathroom at that time. Instead of a wheelchair, I've picked up a rather snazzy-looking travel chair. I know a wheelchair is probably in her future, but we'll take it one step at a time. Friday, I took Mother [[in the new chair) to her favorite garden center. I knew combining a "good" with a "bad" would help out. It did.

One last thing, betterhalf and I have a detached office/studio/workout area that will be our place to go when Mother's in full Lyvia Soprano mode.

So, for now, this is my update. Once again, thanks everyone for the great advice!

**gazhekwe** · May-31-09, 10:07 AM

It is good to read that your plans are falling into place and that the rest of the family is in synch. That's about how it was with my family, whatever I did about Mom was OK with everybody, and after she walked on, everybody was fine with the way I handled the estate. When things get touchy, that's when putting it in writing between the caregiver and the parent helps.

I hadn't heard of travel chairs, so I checked it out. I wish I had known about these! For the last 3-4 years of my mom's life, she had a very hard time going mall crawling, which was her favorite pastime. She refused to consider a wheelchair or even a walker with a seat so she could sit down when she needed to. That travel chair would have been perfect, because she could push it when she wanted to walk, and then sit in it and be chauffeured along when she tired out. I think I might look into one for mom-in-law. This is the first one I found, going to check around to see if any are made in country:

http://www.1800wheelchair.com/asp/vi...roduct_id=1494

Helping elders maintain independence in their own home is a whole 'nother thing. Son is over helping his grandma get her yard in order for the season, and she has all sorts of plans for him. I'm glad he is doing it because I hate yardwork.

LodgeDodger · May-31-09, 03:01 PM

Gaz, I purchased the transport chair through Wright & Filippis. I went with the "Drive Fly-Lite" model and brand. W & P gave me a 20% discount, so the chair was $153.60. The Drive chairs are a bit snazzier than other brands. [[If a transport chair can be snazzy...) Also, I felt it was sturdier than other transport chairs. Amazon has the chair. They show a beige chair. Mother's is black and red plaid. Drive makes it in a few different colors.

Invacare also makes a similar chair. You may wish to check that brand, too.

This is Mother's style chair:

http://www.1800wheelchair.com/asp/vi...roduct_id=2098

http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Medical-.../dp/B000A6HMBE

The chair itself folds into practically nothing. Click the picture in the first link. You'll see what I mean. The best part? The chair is only about 15 pounds!

http://www.mtsmedicalsupply.com/pages/Fly-Lite.cfm