Hardcore Bean Soup Lovers. Part III, tponetom
Part III.
You are now privy to secrets that only recently surfaced and were exposed to a very few members of the esoteric group of BEAN LOVERS!
Step 7. The Cooking of the Beans or, "What Ladies and Beans have in common.
I awaken at 5:30 a.m. I Get the broth out of the refrigerator and put it on the stove. Skim the fat first, though. [[If your mate is not watching, leave all of the fat in.) Then add the beans at the same time. Adding the beans to the cool water is a gesture of gentleness to the Beans. Get their confidence. Beans are not Lobsters! They have feelings!
Think of your first encounter with the ONE that you knew, would be the ONLY ONE for you. I am sure that you did not grab her by the neck and say, "Hey baby, let’s hop in the sack!" More likely, you were kind and gracious and downright tentative as to what to do next! You were trembling with trepidations. So what happens.
This is where the analogies begin. Imagine two people in a romantic tryst. One of them is in a feverish state of desire; eager, panting, drooling. [[Like a Hot Pot of Water) the other one is cool. Like a cool bean.
The cool bean, screaming those immortal phrases: I AM NOT IN THE MOOD! [[or) I AM NOT READY YET!
Well, that is what that little bean is feeling. That little bean has to be coaxed and warmed up, ever so gently with a low and loving flame and a gentle flowing or stirring with a wooden
‘essloffel. Never ever, ever, use a metal utensil. Use either wood or plastic.
And so it begins:
We have the cool beans in the cool water. To pursue the relationship we have to become slightly aggressive. We turn on a very low flame to begin a warming environment.
So on the very first date, as you are walking together, you accidentally, on purpose, brush her hand with your finger tip to see what her reaction will be. If she is receptive, you will entwine a few of her fingers with your own. That’s all. Don’t get greedy!
So you turn the flame up a little as the beans become more comfortable in a warmer atmosphere. They start to jiggle around a little bit, enjoying the movement as an early morning session of aerobics.
On the second date, you bring her a single flower. Even a dandelion, just to show her that you are alittle capricious and also, maybe a little serious. But any bouquet is a bouquet with a message.
So you jack the flame up a little more, and because the beans are now thoroughly warmed up after their aerobics, they accept a little more encouragement to keep moving.
So, hand holding while you are walking becomes the ‘norm.’ A gentle arm around her shoulder in the theater is comfortable. A gentle hug and a kiss goodnight is all right, but not too aggressive.
Set the Timer for an hour and a half. By that time, the bean is rising out of its lethargy and is looking for a little action.
SO! This is the beginning of the most critical procedure!
1. Selecting the correct potato [[read bean) masher :
!. Before plastic, the masher of choice was the good old woodenschmachensmasher. [[Thank You, Sid Cesar)But now, we have the plastic, flat disc, with geometrically designed perforations that gently tease the flavor out of the beans to, not escape, but rather merge in joyous reunion with its counterparts.
2. USING THE MASHER:
When you sense the time might be right to test the tenderness of the beans, you gingerly submerge the business end of the Masher into the boiling pot and slowly lower it to near the bottom to engage as few beans as possible. When you do make contact you do not MASH DOWN. [[You do not want to alarm a large a group of beans that might spread terror in the entire pot.) You gingerly "twist’ the new PlastiTwistumSchmachenMasher [[PTSM) in a downward spiral movement, ever so lightly, to see if that bean is ready to give up its virulent juices of desire. If not, you give it another ten minutes of patient and tender loving care.
You are searching for an erogenous zone that would encourage a wider search, that in turn would invite more stimulation, or something like President Obama said.
Well, anyway, when you find that first bean that is willing to give up its virginity, You caress it, ever so tenderly. [[NO WHAM, WHAM, thank you BEAN) The bean will happily exude its essence to flow out in a natural way. When the other beans recognize the pleasure that your PTSM can induce they will clamor and crowd and chant, "me next, me next."
The analogy??? Just make sure your new girl friend does not have one of the old fashioned German schmacken things. [[They look like those WW I German hand grenades.)
The rest is duck soup.! OOPS! I mean Bean Soup.
Step 8. Clean and chop the vegee-tables and steam them for ten minutes to soften them a little. Also it takes some of the ‘sting’ out of the yellow onions.
Step 9. 2 pounds of virile ham have been diced and cubed. No ingredients are added until the beans have been gentlized and in a receptive mood. [[See step7.)
Step 10. First add your spices to the broth and stir gently. You do not want to tantalize those mashed beans to go into a frenzy. Then add the rest of the ingredients and cook until your taste has reached a climax.
[[Non sequitur: The word, climax, in the last sentence above was inspired by an Al Capp cartoon character, ‘Appassionata von Climax,’ in his Li’l Abner Comic strip.
A lot of people say, "Life is just a Bowl of Cheeries,
Don’t take it serious,
Life’s too mysterious. [[Author ??)
I would paraphrase it:
Life is Just a Bowl of Bean Soup
It makes me Lyrical
And just Hysterical
NOTE: For reasons beyond my control, I could not edit this story the way I would have liked to, so please excuse any goofs or gaffs or other incoherences.
Let the hair go with the hide.
[[Thank You, K. O.)
