Quote Originally Posted by jcole View Post
...To turn off the alerts, simply open the Settings menu, click on ‘System’, and then click on ‘Notifications & Actions’. Select the option that states “Show me the Windows welcome experience after updates…” and turn it off. You can also turn off the remaining options to further reduce the chance of seeing the nags in future....
Well, thank you, jcole! I did that.

I also turned off the "Suggest ways I can finish setting up my device to get the most out of Windows."

It seems to think I'm gleefully wallowing in devices but as I see it, the fewer devices I have to tend, the better.

This still doesn't let Windows off the hook though. These machines were intended to do our bidding, not the other way around.